One of the fake rooms at Ikea should just be a couple fighting as they try to put the furniture together
You Might Also Like
CNN: do u want notifications for breaking news
ME: for like important stuff i guess
CNN: an Ohio woman just ate 37 McRibs
ME: i said impor-
CNN: using chopsticks
ME: she did what
mom: you waste your money on stupid stuff
me: you’re right. btw how’s that panini press working out?
mom:
me: making a lot of paninis with that thing?
This dog is a visual representation of my phone distracting me from work
Husband: You don’t need to wear makeup, babe.
Me: (dressed as a witch) Thanks.
interviewer:
are there any accomplishments from your last job that you’re particularly proud of?me:
i’m responsible for ten new rules in their employee handbookinterviewer:
that’s great! you wrote them?me:
that’s not what i said
cat 911: what ur emergency
my cat: my owner just closed the bathroom door
cat 911: have u tried screaming at the top of ur lungs
Most of being an adult is just trying to figure out where that bruise came from.
gimme fuel
gimme fire
gimme reba mcentire
friend: which is more important, honesty or loyalty?
me: whichever one makes this conversation end
Walk slow and never assume the automatic door will open.
‘I know a black person’
– White people
wait.
me: hmm…that’s a real head-scratcher…I don’t know there are significant pros and cons to each choice…maybe I should make a spreadsheet and do a cost analysis…
netflix, impatiently: dude, just pick something already
A girl started to drink barbecue sauce like it was water and I just stood there and watched because I haven’t been trained for this
ME: I’m ok. I’m ok. It’s just cramp.
GYM INSTRUCTOR: Ok, tie your other lace and lets do this.
ME: I know a good amount of things
CROSSWORD PUZZLES: lol
Please don’t ruin Breaking Bad for me… I’m only at the part where A texts Aria, Spencer, Hanna and Emily
3yo: Daddy, I lost the recorder behind the couch
Me: Oh… that’s too bad
10yo: we can just move the couch…
Me: no we can’t!
10yo: yes we can…
Me: the couch is bolted down!
10yo: it’s not…
Me: you don’t know that!
10yo:(starts moving couch) yes I do
Me: GO TO YOUR ROOM
Music with headphones while vacuuming is not a good idea.
I just finished the whole house and the vaccum wasn’t even plugged in.
My wedding didnt even make it into my sister’s instagram september dump but her Starbucks order did
Pharrell Williams put out a fire on Kim Kardashian’s dress this week. Dude is really taking that Smokey the Bear hat of his to heart.
OLIVE GARDEN: When you’re here, you’re family!
ME: Can I get a–
OLIVE GARDEN: No, we have food at home.
my kid had her whole class make birthday cards for her dog who celebrated his birthday yesterday.
we don’t have a dog.
I’m not afraid to say it, I’m against problems.
Autocorrect just changed ‘so thirsty’ to ‘sloth irate’ and I’m slowly getting angry about it.
i always feel slightly dishonest ticking the “i’m not a robot” box because how do i know, how does anyone know for certain
Me: I want to buy this chicken
Farmer: Ok. Gonna take him home and eat him?
*imagines self fighting crime with new chicken buddy*
Me: Yes
My kid’s latest report card looks like someone with a stutter is trying to swear.
Just got kicked out of Chipotle for knowing what I wanted when I got to the front of the line.
the problem with being 39 is i don’t feel old but also everywhere i go plays the music too loud