A fun part of marriage is arguing over who deserves to use the charger in the car. PROVE IT, SHOW ME YOUR PERCENTAGE
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My 10 yo is talking to me past 9 pm. Why is he attacking me like this?
I’ve accepted that I’ll never know how that M+ button on a calculator works.
[stranded on a desert island]
*plane flies over head and drops a letter*
Me: omg I’m going to be rescued!
*opens letter*
we’re just reaching out to you about your car’s extended warrantyMe: Sonofa-
I’m less upset with Lance Armstrong lying about taking performance-enchancing drugs than I am at Oprah for lying about retiring.
coworker relationships are so bizarre like i wouldn’t acknowledge you in public but i def know all about how your great aunt poisoned your great uncle for a life insurance payout.
A big storm is coming & everyone’s buying bread, milk, and eggs. Apparently you battle bad weather with French Toast.
6: *practicing her gymnastics beam routine*
Me, with my hand stuck in a Pringles can: don’t forget to point your toes!
After dating me for a month and telling me he’s in danger and needs money, the tinder swindler would’ve been shocked when I said “that’s crazy, what you gonna do?”
If I ask for directions and you answer me with cardinal ones, you should know that I will get lost… I need concrete references, like “across from the red house with a crocked tree, 2 blocks from a dead squirrel, turn right when you see the old lady that drinks Shiners at 7am”.
I don’t know why these at-home workouts aren’t working yet, I watch like 6 of these videos a day
Might get a little wild tonight and set the white noise machine to overheated laptop
Good vacation so far, aside from the faceless man telling us “You will never leave this island.”
Interviewer: what are your future plans?
Me: lunch
Interviewer: I meant long term plans
Me: what, like dinner?
I don’t honk at women because I don’t let a girl know she’s attractive with the same thing I use to scare ducks from in front of my car.
This is your brain.
*holds up a brain*
And this is your brain on drugs.
*holds up a brain wearing a weird hat and a scarf*
Detective: ok forensics is finished. I’ll start here and you-
Dog cop: I’ll mark our territory
[dog cop pees around the crime scene tape]
They just discovered an Egyptian tomb filled with chocolate and hazelnut. They believe it’s the tomb of Pharaoh Rocher.
Me: I’m so emotional today
8 ice cream sandwiches: We can help!
All the king’s horses and men stand over Humpty. Puzzled, they go back to reading the IKEA instructions.
Billy Joel’s washing is still wet because he didn’t start the dryer.
Turns out you don’t need to have a large gathering to still argue about religion and politics.
I just saw a girl hang half her body out the window of her car to give someone the finger. She is my spirit animal.
My family went camping & left me home alone, like I’d be missing out.
Oh please, don’t leave me home with electricity & running water.
No one warns you about being a parent. So, be prepared to never have matching anything ever again
Well, well, well, if it isn’t the consequences of my own food choices.
No, I’m not proud to be eating Cheetos with chopsticks but I’m knitting so I do feel kinda smart.
I got fired from my job as a diesel
fitter in a panties factory.We would hold the panties up,
inspect them and say “Dese’ll fit her”
family members leaving you things in their will is literally them saying “yeah I’ll give you this… over my dead body”
It’s easy to lie to people.
My phone was dead. I mailed it 2 weeks ago. Your baby is so cute.