Prescription drug commercial: the most common side effect is diarrhea
Me: ooo I love diarrhea
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Nobody:
Toy Makers: KIDS ARE PROBABLY HARD OF HEARING SO MAKE SURE EVERYTHING IS LOUD
[runs thru the funeral chasing a bagpipe player]
“Stop hurting that octopus!”
I’m basically only good at three things:
1. Programming
2. Counting
[first day as a crime scene photographer]
me: pretty weak lighting in here
*drags the corpse outside*
i got blood on my iphone the other day and before i could wipe it off siri made a slurpy noise and it was gone
Marriage 30s: He doesn’t know I burp or fart yet.
Marriage 40s: You should probably sleep in the other room because I had Mexican food for lunch.
I’m ready to talk trash, okay who recycles?
The best way to run into that hot person you’ve been dying to talk to is to leave the house looking the worst you possibly can.
You want me to fill my glass with ice? The thing that sunk the Titanic?
Bong hits bring all the cheetos to my jaw, and it’s like, nom nom nom nom.
Dear autocorrect,
I’ve never had a “hard duck” in my life.
Quit your shit.
When I’m at the mall, I carry a purse around so people think I have a girlfriend
Yeah. Spring cleaning is going well, thanks.
Virgo: Today fortunes will be reversed! You will abduct an alien and none of its friends will believe you.
My daughter reminded me that being older doesn’t mean I’m always right. Sometimes, I’ve just been wrong for longer.
having children is great because just when you’re on the brink of insanity from overstimulation one of them will launch into an hour long educational session on pokemon
is there anything more psychotic than the self-imposed deadline. why am i bullying myself then in turn standing up to my bully (who is me) by not doing the work i know i want to get done but i refuse to be bullied (by me) so i will purposefully miss the deadline (that is fake)
Him: you’re beautiful.
Her: no I’m not, hehe.
Him: yes, you are.
Her: you’re crazy, I’m hideous.
Him: oh, ok. I see it now.
the only thing i know about cooking is you gotta terrorize the meat
Why do we need to learn History? George Washington didn’t need it and he was a King.
Co-worker: *tells story*
Me: I’m so sorry to hear that.
CW: What? It’s not a bad story.
Me: No, I’m just really sorry I had to hear it.
I’m saving myself for marriage.
Sorry, FROM. Saving myself FROM marriage.
The most dangerous game but it’s just me seeing how many pages of a kids book I can skip at bedtime
8 really detests when I use fish sticks to play the drums on her head
I’m working on my core muscles so I can rise out of a coffin dramatically.
it’s the silliest best thing
Me: “Get me a newspaper.”Friend: “Don’t be silly. Here. Borrow my iPad.” Poor spider never knew what hit it.
Them: Listen to your body more.
Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.
*neil degrasse tyson scoffing at his keyboard*
this bar is not in space