JUVENAL: Who watches the Watchmen?
ME: I did. It was good.
JUVENAL: No, you’re missing the point.
ME: Well I know there was a lot of subtext, but I think I understood it.
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I always strip to the waist when I quit a job.
I work for the government which means I have to enter 2 passwords in order to print documents that are open to the public.
Were PacMan and Ms.PacMan married or brother and sister? Have some fanfic that’s either really awesome or really disturbing riding on this.
Of course I regularly eat international cuisine. Only last week I had cyrillic alphabetti spaghetti.
Me: How was school?
11-year-old: It was a normal day.
Me: So it was good?
11: I didn’t say that at all.
She wasn’t like other girls.
She was fifty stories of ceramic and titanium, bristling with particle cannons and mass drivers, built to drive back the horrors that came from between the stars and perhaps one day bring the war to their doorsteps.
And prom was in one week…
Me: I hear you love company?
Mystery: No, that’s Misery
Me: Oh
Mystery:
Me:
Mystery:
Me:
Mystery: OR IS IT
[reeling in big fish and turns to friend]
you got the net?
“yes”
ok, google how to get this thing in the boat
Mark Strong is Stanley Tucci’s dark twin and we don’t even talk about it.
The internet is cool because you can make a joke about cannibalism being bad and someone will respond with, “Actually, it’s racist NOT to eat people.” And you’re 95% sure he’s just the dumbest person alive but you still have to google for 20 minutes to make sure you’re not racist
ME: I have crab like reflexes
DAD:I think you mean cat like reflexes
ME: [sitting in pot of boiling water] what
director: ok. it’s ancient Greece.
actor: British accent got it.
finally old enough to understand that “fake it till you make it” and “practice makes perfect” are the same advice
LOIS: look! up in the sky!
JIMMY: it’s a bird! it’s a plane!
BABY: *opens wide*
[On a date and we pull into the restaurant parking lot]
“I’ll just wait in the car.”
*I sit bolt upright in bed, drenched in sweat*
HER: Did you have the zombie nightmare again?
ME: (thinking about the time everybody sang ‘happy birthday’ to me and I accidentally joined in) Yes
1 in 3 Americans, weighs as much as the other 2…!!
Against the wall, on the floor and bent over the couch are my favorite places to stretch.
Luckily you can’t be arrested for soliciting a donut.
I am a brown supremacist. I dream that the whole world will be one giant call centre one day.
Is it still an alien abduction if I packed a suitcase?
Shout out to whoever scheduled Valentine’s candy to show up just as we’re all giving up on New Year resolutions.
When a woman asks you to smell something, it usually smells good.
Men on the other hand…
Had chicken and egg for dinner because I wanted to eat the whole family.
I like twitter because having one-sided conversations with virtually no feedback reminds me a lot of being a parent.
[walking down street with date after dinner]
him: i had a great time
me: yep… [gestures towards garbage truck] welp, this is me [jumps in]
I introduced two people who then became good friends. I don’t think it’s unreasonable to ask that every time they hangout they take a moment to say, “Wow, all of this is because of Kevin.”
I don’t know who needs to hear this but if you have a flock of sheep that’s having trouble with foxes/dogs get an alpaca. The alpaca will happy join the flock as a ‘long sheep’ and will kick the shit out of anyone who messes with its gang.
Source: grew up on a farm.
Kid packed for a 3 day trip to his grandparents with 1 t-shirt, 1 pair of underwear, and 7 pairs of socks. I have a few questions
ME: [bumps man]
MAN: [spills coffee] Say sorry
ME: No
MAN: Then I’ll see you in court
ME: [remembers I own a camouflage suit] You won’t