i may not be eating healthily rn but am i sleeping well? also no.
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Had to change my work password twice today and I’m rapidly running out of Brendan Fraser movies.
FRIEND: I have a secret *removes human skin to reveal scales* I’m an alien
GUY BESIDE ME: WHAT?! *unzips human costume to reveal a different alien species*
BARISTA: *removes facemask* for frig sakes!ME: *stays in the corner eating donuts, clearly amused*
Why is it that “fire sauce” isn’t made with any real fire? Seems like false advertising.
You should ask her if she gained weight. That way she knows you’re paying attention to her.
Once, I got pulled over because a cop thought my car was on fire but really it was just my hair flying out the sunroof.
I like to take long walks away from stupid people.
“The truth has finally been revealed” around the world:
5. The cat is out of the bag (English)
4. The bunny is out of the hat (Czech)
3. The pigeon falls out of your mouth (Romanian)
2. The turtle’s feet have appeared (Taiwanese)
1. Now the monkey comes out of the sleeve (Dutch)
Welcome to your 40s. Time moves much faster now. Welcome to your 50s
handsome customer: [pointing] that costume please.
clerk: sexy warlock. you got it.
me: same as him.
clerk: creepy male witch, comin’ up.
Priest: for what have you come to ask forgiveness, my dear?
Me: my student loans
Priest: [to god] can…can she do that?
It’s really telling how society and Hollywood has been producing all sorts of content about others, but almost none about me, personally 🤔
Feeling authoritative. Gonna comment “behave yourself” under pictures of people just having a good time.
“Woah woah hey woah”
[me attempting to breakup a fight]
Jesus saves. Often. Because even he knows Microsoft Word is a piece of shit.
Dolly Parton wrote “Jolene” and “I Will Always Love You” on the same day and I’ve been “getting ready to vacuum” for the past two weeks.
Welcome to your 40s, you now respond to every younger person telling you their age with “Jesus Christ”.
Hand dryers are a great way to see how your hands look while skydiving.
Remember, YOUR God is real. All those other Gods are ridiculous, made-up nonsense. But not yours. Your God is real. Whichever one that is.
Everyone: Why don’t you have kids?
*points to dead cactus*
I’ll never understand women. A species that loathes you for asking their age, but tortures you forever if you forget their birthday.
There comes a point in every day that we all have to do something we don’t like.
[Gets out of bed]
The roadside sobriety tests are really getting tough … now you have to name all the Kardashians while folding a fitted sheet.
*time traveler returns from 2021*
“Everybody’s at home, day drinking and proving they’re not robots or cats.”
HER: I wanna be your everything.
ME: That’s great, cause I need a therapist.
HER: No, not like-
ME: So doc *lays on couch* I feel like my girlfriend’s moving too fast.
What is the acceptable amount of deviled eggs one can eat in a job interview? This dude just said 5 is too many, and that CANNOT be right?
wish me luck lads
In space, no one can hear you scream.
In cyberspace, no one can shut you up.
When people ask “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” just reply with “Space” then silently stare at the sky until they leave.
My wife always tells me not to take things personally, so I hired a guy to do it for me. He already stole a bike.