You say “leftover bacon” like I’m supposed to know what that is…
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Just ran a .3K (Ice cream truck wouldn’t stop)
My kid was supposed to enter second grade but after months of homeschooling he’ll be going back to kindergarten.
I have an extreme shellfish allergy so I always keep a single fried shrimp in my wallet in case I need to use it as a cyanide pill
Satan: Welcome to hell, where it’s hot and never not! Any questions?
Me: Yeah, where’s the second circle? They’re expecting me.
Times when the world seems different somehow:
– being in your elementary school as an adult
– being in a pool when it rains
– train stations at night
– when the ghost of the girl who died in your building tells you to get out or die
– walking through fresh snow by yourself
“Whatcha doin’, Phil?”
“Some guy on the internet says he’ll pay fifty bucks a pop for beaver shots.”
Aragorn: You have my sword.
Legolas: And you have my bow.
Gimli: And my axe.
Airport Security: Again, gentlemen, those items are not allowed on the plane.
Aragorn: But we’re heading to –
Airport Security: Mordor, I know. Look, you’re this close to getting on the no fly list.
Ever been in the middle of writing a great tweet and think, did I just run someone over?
Me: don’t tell mom where we hid her birthday presents.
3yo: I won’t.
Wife: hey guys.
3yo: mom your birthday presents are definitely not under my bed.
It took me 15 mins to explain to my 18yo son how to make Minute Rice, in case you were thinking about having kids.
[first day in prison]
Cellmate: that’s Flesh Eater Mike
Me: why do they call him that?
Cellmate, quietly as Flesh Eater Mike walks by with blood dripping down his chin: it’s short for Michael
Mom: how’s your little cult thing going honey?
Me: [sigh] mom Twitter isn’t a cult.
Dad: it sounds like a cult to me.
Mom: 80k people follow him Harold.
Me: seriously not a cult.
Dad: what do you call all those people?
Me:
Mom:
Dad:
Me: my followers.
I only had 3 goals in Monopoly as a kid:
Dog game piece
Boardwalk and Park Place.
Steal your money when you go to the bathroom.
I think my microwave’s broken. I keep pressing the pizza button and no pizza is coming out
Caught my son chewing on electrical wires so, I grounded him.
He’s doing better currently and conducting himself properly…
Picnic ruined by underwhelming potato salad (and Fire ants).
All I said is that I didn’t know whether we were a Marvel or DC family and my husband and kids locked me out of the house.
It’s all fun and games until you realize you’re the girl at work known as “how is she still employed.”
I’ve got these gifted children and I want to know how long it is before I can re-gift them.
I texted my husband and reminded him that you guys told me a couple of weeks ago that it doesn’t take 6 hours to play 18 holes of golf.
His response, “You can’t believe everything you read on the Internet.”
My house is clean so please don’t eat or drink or come by or let my child come home.
Friggen “pharmacist” won’t give me over the counter kisses for my boo boos smh
God: you’re very small.
Ant: ok.
God: but really strong.
Ant: how strong?
God: you can-
Ant: can I lift a piano?
God: well-no.
Ant: can I lift a car?
God: no.
Ant: can I lift a-
God: you can lift a leaf.
Ant: [visibly upset] but everyone can do that.
If I show you a picture on my phone and you start scrolling, I’m gonna stab you.
Do you wish you were always broke?
Are you tired of having a thriving social life?
Is too much sleep boring you?Parenthood. It’s for you
My tongue was actually in the Guinness Book of World Records until the damn librarian kicked me out.
*Batman receives electric bill for Bat Signal*
“ALFRED WE’RE GETTING IPHONES.”
*Lady gives balloon to my son*
ME: What do u say?
SON: I WILL CRUSH MY ENEMIES
ME: *nervous laughter* No, the other thing
SON: Oh. Thank you
Tried to text “playa” but it changed it to “player”
I must have the white iPhone.
“The other day” -me referring to the year 2017