Priest: look son, I think you should kick the habit
Me: ok
*nun screams*
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Saturday night is for moaning My name. Sunday morning is for chanting it.
I went for a run today. Of course it was a beer run, but I was sweating.
me: [on phone] I need a doctor’s appointment
receptionist: it’s going to be at least a month
me: ok I’ll hold
Getting older is cool because you can take a deep breath and it’ll crack your back
Why is it when you tell someone you had a dream about them they assume sex? Like no dude, I killed you
This cashier just held my five dollar bill up to the light in case you’re wondering how I do with first impressions.
Just once, I would love to look my kid in the eyes when he gives me a picture he spent a long time coloring, and have the nerve to say, “could you make me another one…that’s not what I wanted,” just so he can get a sense of what it feels like to make him dinner every night.
12-year-old: *holds up a poster* This is my school project.
Me: What was your objective?
12: To be done with my school project.
Nailed it.
Jim ate my sandwich.
It was clearly labeled.
Jim’s email is open on his PC.
Jim’s son now thinks he’s adopted.
The sandwich was LABELED.
It’s amazing how water drops from my shower make little faces all around.
I see Mona Lisa on the wall,
A cute Pikachu on the glass,
And my neighbor’s face in the bathroom window.
5-year-old: I wish we all had infinity dollars
Me: That’d wreck the economy
5: I just-
Me: Go to your room until you understand inflation
Sent out a mass text invite to my pity party & Autocorrect turned it into a pita party. Now I’m eating hummus with people I don’t even like.
*praying for world peace*
God:
me: sweet chainmail
knight: thanks tell six of your friends or I’ll kill you
When I say I’m tired, the “of people” is silent
Can someone make a voodoo doll of me and send it off to the gym?
Me: You touched my heart.
Cardiologist: You’re not supposed to be awake, but thanks. LOL
if you were born before 1996 you are a millennial
if you were born after 2005 you are gen z
if you were born in between then you are an honorary member of the black eyed peas
To the parent who sent their kid with slime as a Valentine to the class I just want you to know that I will send my daughter with kinetic sand to give to your kid as a thank you gift.
8: When’s dad’s birthday?
Me: June 28
8: 2000 what?
Me: You mean 19…1984
8: 19? WOW
I’m not saying I want to die choking on peanut butter, but that would be the only scenario where my friends can say I went out doing what I loved.
Don’t call them paint “chips” if you don’t want me to snack on em.
Them: There are plenty of fish in the sea.
Me: There is also 14 billion tons of garbage in the sea.
When my in-laws kindly told me to treat them as if they were my own family I graciously obliged.
I don’t speak to my own family either.
Her: Mmm, you smell nice, what’s that cologne?
Me: Oh, something French and expensive. I wanted to impress you.
Cat: It’s Febreze-scented cat litter dust from changing my litter box.
Me: You’re a really shitty wingman, Felix.
HELP 😭
The best revenge is living well unless you have a crossbow.
my friend who moved to kentucky asked me what the average price of homes were in my area, so I told him about $850k & he said “that’s insane, do u know what u can buy for $850k in kentucky?” and I was like “probably kentucky”
Some lady brought a gaggle of pre-teens to the movie, sat them down next to us & then sat elsewhere.
I sold them all on the black market.
If somebody my age is out past 11 PM they just got off the second shift at work.