You can totally spray tan your baby, it’s not illegal.
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people should stop trying to drive the biggest cars and start trying to drive the goofiest shaped cars. i want to drive a car in the shape of a pizza slice
Do you guys ever throw blankets over your dogs so there’s little angry ghosts running around your house for a minute?
went down to city hall to get married and they said I have to provide my own husband? explain to me why I pay taxes
WATSON: do you even have a proper education?
SHERLOCK: Elementary, my dear Watson
WATSON: but, like, beyond that
SHERLOCK: nah
Dogs should be allowed to drive.
My boss accused me of sticking my finger in his BD cake in the break room fridge, but he is completely wrong, it wasn’t my finger.
I know sacrifice. I’m willing to pluck a few extra hairs to get to the white ones
Boss confused me with another employee and fired me. Then called two days later to fire me for not showing up for 2 days. #HowIGotFired
Back to school sale prices are so cheap. I’m getting all of my Christmas shopping done.
25 cent rulers for everyone!
Sometimes, for fun, I like to mouth words to my husband when he’s wearing earbuds. When he stops to ask me what I said, I just say ‘forget it’ and storm off.
So not only is it the 4th of July and apparently the house behind me is a fireworks warehouse but the new neighbors across the street have a garage band. 😕
Confession: I have dipped cheese into softer cheese.
An internet atheist is involved in some kind of drama? No way.
9-year-old: No one can read my diary.
Me: I’ll keep your sisters away from it.
9: No, I mean no one can read it. My handwriting is bad.
bringing a sharpie to IKEA and adding more dots to the names of their products
My daughter: I know everything
Me: What’s the capital of brazil?
My daughter: that’s a secret
the worst part about cooking for others is not licking the utensils every time you stir something
Social anxiety pro tip: start bringing celery and hummus to parties when you’re 25 and by the time you hit 30 you’ll be free every Saturday night forever
I don’t let my husband pick up the groceries right now because I’m worried he’ll taste freedom and never come back.
The only real importance in life is getting ahead.
Head. I meant to say head.
Nannying is like a stay at home mom internship
My youngest son’s dirty clothes sit on the floor, beneath the laundry chute.
I admire his hope that they’ll bounce up and swish down.
Whatever doesn’t kill you TRIED TO KILL YOU!
The worst part about being humble is that you can’t brag about it.
[shark tank]
“Hi, what’s your product idea?”
Product? [holding bucket of live fish] I’m here to see the tank of sh-… I’ve made a mistake
If my pizza delivery guy isn’t blasting Lionel Richie’s “Hello” from his car when he rings my doorbell, I make him go back and start over.
them: do you promise to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, so help you god?
me: finger quotes sure
Don’t eat my chocolate. I’ll be back Monday.
“Aww. You guys… And it’s not even my real birthday! #flattered .”
-Jesus
I just listened to an great session on “Designers and Gyaan” hosted by @dharmeshba. It provokes a lot of good questions. I can’t help but contrast this with academia. In academia, I get the teaching/speaking opportunities based on how well I “publish.” Many professionals, 1/n