I always carry a red Sharpie on me in case I have to draw blood.
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DOCTOR: *holding $5 bill* what’s this for?
ME: it’s a tip
DOCTOR: okay, but you still need to lose weight
ME: *hands him $20 bill*
ATTENTION ALABAMA RESIDENTS: tonight’s penumbral lunar eclipse is perfectly natural. The moon is undamaged. Gay people are not stealing it.
Sure boss, I’d love to take on some extra work, I have like 7-8 free hours a night where all I do is sleep anyway.
[googling]
me: [how to get wife to stop cheating]
google: it won’t stop jim
me: [please google please stop porking my wife]
google: i can give her things that you can’t
me: [we have children]
google: you sure they’re yours jim?
me: [looks down at my son, algorithm] oh god
“Ah yes, well, the laws of quantum mechanics” is what I’m going to start saying, very pretentiously, when someone says something I don’t understand.
I bet when spiders see those fake green cob webs on Halloween they must be like “Ugh, tourists”.
Look, if you need a heimlich, just ask me nicely, enough of this flapping your arms and making faces shit.
Achievement unlocked – 30th Birthday!
Life Exp +10
Knee HP -10
You deplete me
Me: *hyperventilating* 911? BEES! … EVERYWHERE! … SEND…HELP!
“Sir we don’t …”
Me: OMG! DON’T YOU HAVE A SWAT TEAM FOR THIS?
been a while since romaine lettuce has tried to kill us.
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a boy, asking him to love her! And that’s when my son went back to playing Minecraft 🙁
“I have a cure for your burning bush.” — Moses hitting on the ladies
MOVING IS AWESOME
I GET TO PACK UP ALL MY THINGS AND SLOWLY REALIZE THAT THE MATERIAL GOODS I SPENT YEARS WORKING TO AFFORD HAVE BECOME AN ANCHOR FROM WHICH I WILL NEVER BE FREE
OH AND I MUST FORWARD MY MAIL
I once planned a trip around Australia using a dial-up computer that took longer than the trip itself
I bet you’ll watch the cell phone camera footage of this concert for years & remember the fun you had holding up a cell phone at a concert.
*Tries to start the wave at a funeral
Anesthesiologists are doctors who don’t like having to talk to people.
The phrase “beach body” brings to mind an image of a bloated corpse tossed ashore by the waves, so, yeah, I’m beach body ready.
When I die if anyone is all like, ‘She was so full of life,’ just know that it was mostly cheese that I was full of
when people make fun of me for reading fiction, I don’t get mad. I simply invite them down into my cellar for a glass of fine vintage. they have never read Poe; they have no idea what’s coming.
lawyer: hey can you fax that over to me?
Me: sorry we don’t do fax where I am
lawyer: where are you?
me: 2018
old people with oxygen tanks are sneaking away to live in an underwater utopia
Airlines are like “okay everyone now that we’re all boarded and ready to take off let’s check to make sure the plane’s okay”.
Californians forget how to drive when it rains
God: send them snow
Being 5’2”, when I’m going up for a high five, most people just lean in for a handshake.
Sorry I lied when I said “I can’t complain.”
Been thinking about getting dressed since I got out of the shower 3 hours ago. It’s quite obviously not going to happen but like everyone always says, it’s the thought that counts…
Even if you’re fully vaccinated the CDC recommends finishing some of the books on your shelf before buying new ones
You realize a robot is telling you to pick out tree pictures to make sure you’re not a robot.