Me: Why are you in such a bad mood?
5-year-old: I haven’t had my coffee.
Me: You’ve never had coffee.
5-year-old: Exactly.
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My dad and I both have a gift for figuring out who the villain is in super hero movies we’ve already watched
Before crowbars crows drank alone
Yes officer, I know my driving is not 100% perfect, but you have to agree that it is still pretty good for someone who is completely drunk.
bank transfers when they’re taking money out of your account: haha yeah we can do this at the speed of light now. w/e its cool
bank transfers when they’re putting money in your account: hold on there pardner. we have to load this check on a pony and ride it across texas first
My gas mower died so I replaced it with an electric one. It doesn’t smoke or smell and is really quiet and now I don’t know how I’m supposed to alert the rival dads when I’m beating them to cutting the grass.
Something we don’t talk about enough re: climate change is that it will eventually get so hot that the goth lifestyle will become unsustainable, which means humanity’s most precious resource- hot goth chicks- will be extinct by 2040
[job interview]
“What’s your biggest weakness?”
I make poor decisions
“Can you explain?”
Sure, but let’s do some shots first
Does this thing get good gas mileage?
-my husband being kidnapped
‘I just need like two minutes!’
~me, lying
why do baby clothes have pockets, who is going up to a baby and saying here hold this
Me: *tips the waiter*
Waiter: *angrily climbing out the lobster tank*
I contain multitudes, Elizabeth
Me: hands up, this is a robbery?
7-11 cashier:
Therapist: what did we talk about
Me: (firmly) this is a robbery.
If I could have dinner with one person, dead or alive, it would have to be Schrödinger’s cat.
Grew up in a neighborhood so tough, all the kids put onions in their ‘no tears’ shampoo.
I can’t undo my mistakes. All I can do is make more mistakes and hope the original one gets diluted.
Gonna get a job at Starbucks and write “Chad” on every cup.
How often do you think Jennifer Aniston uses the line “I’m not here to make Friends?”
you want me to trust my instincts. the thing that convinced me to dye my hair black that one time
don’t worry about why I watched your story within 5 seconds of it being up, worry about why you’re checking your views within 5 seconds of posting.
My mother keeps saying my boyfriend seems like someone who’d be really good with children. Except, she’s never seen him interact with children. She’s only seen him interact with me. So idk where that impression comes from…
Everyone hates their job until someone brings cupcakes in.
“Well well well if it isn’t the guy I’m stalking.”
“Get out of my hamper.”
[creating pandas]
Angel: How about a cute looking bear thats shit at sex?
God: Make it black & white we’re running low on colours.
A boogaloo is just a haunted igloo.
I have a pun about carpentry.
but Im not sure if it woodwork…
dracula: I vant to suck ur blood
me: oh no
dracula: I will drain u completely
me:
dracula: I will suck u dry
me:
dracula: why do u keep giggling
I’m annoyed giraffes don’t eat birds directly outta the sky
The guy said “Violence is never the answer” and I said “What if the question is ‘What is never the answer?’” and he punched me in the face.