Me: hands up, this is a robbery?
7-11 cashier:
Therapist: what did we talk about
Me: (firmly) this is a robbery.
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Just because your kid says, “You’re my hero” does not mean you can pick them up at school wearing a cape, apparently
Wife: Can we eat outside?
Me: *supportive* Of course babe. I love wasps.
The rain is pounding so hard I’m kind of jealous.
got asked to be a godparent proving god has lowered her recruitment standards
I’m getting mixed signals from this girl first she is like “sorry I’m married” then it’s “leave me alone I’m married” I mean which is it
Warm welcome to all my new followers from last night when I changed my avi to a skinny brunette from Pinterest
CHIEF: say hi to ur new partner
ME: new partner? If it’s another duck–
*goose with a badge waddles in*
ME: okay but i’m driving this time
I just want to live in a world where every slice of bacon is perfectly fried, beer flows freely from the kitchen tap, pandemics are a thing of the past…
… and that world peace thing.
The plural of beer is beer, which is very convenient when you are explaining to your wife why you were late coming home from work.
We didn’t have child safety seats when I was young. My dad would put a couple of us in the trunk if it meant not taking two cars.
Me: I’m going to be late.
Boss, over the phone: What happened?!
Me, stuck up to my neck in rice: Well, funny story…I couldn’t find a towel.
Alexa, take down my Christmas decorations.
When I miss my parents I put 12 expired salad dressings in my fridge and it feels like home
Me- my boyfriend never messages goodnight before sleeping 😞
My friend- maybe because you don’t have one?
[ordering from the dollar menu]
me: hi i’ll have 7 dollars please
“Barista” is Italian for BA in liberal arts.
Someone in Australia please tell me how my hair cut turns out tomorrow.
Time flies when you duct tape an alarm clock to a pelican.
Boss, I can’t come in today. Got a bad case of-
*puts hand over phone*
-what was it again?
Daughter: Boogeritis.
*to phone*
It’s Boogeritis.
Me: I hit the ejector seat and sent her through the roof by accident
Cop: you’re under arrest. I’m taking you to jail
Me: let’s take my car
Weighing up my bread heating options
I hate it when I’m by the window and make eye contact with someone outside, so I understand why this lady is shocked to see me up a tree.
Me: You come highly recommended, LOL
Drug dealer: *stabs me*
My sisters a doctor and she’s always on call. She’s an oncologist.
7-year-old: What’s for dessert?
Me: Eat your dinner first.
7: I need a goal.
40% of North American teens can’t even find ISIS on a map. Talk about ignorant
accurate
cop: did anyone follow you here
jesus: no
cop: i’m not so sure, there’s a van across the street with twelve guys in it
Someone called me a “complete piece of crap” today and I smiled and thanked them. If I am going to be a piece of crap, I would rather be a complete piece than an incomplete piece. I mean, I’m a go-getter. An all or nothing type of gal.