Driving past a cemetery on a reservation my dad said “you can’t be buried there, do you know why?”
Me: because I’m not Native American?
My dad: no because you’re still alive
You Might Also Like
if working for a big corporation has taught me anything, it’s that these multimillionaire business owners won’t get rich if the little people like me sit around on my phone tweeting all day
Me:*shows up to 1st date with giraffe*
Her: OMG, can this date get any better
Me:*pulls out saddle* You bet giraffe it can
[1st date]
Me: “So, what do you do?”
Her: “I’m a Herpetologist.”
Me: “Great! [pulls pants down] How bad is this?”
I’m like a cartoon character, not because I’m cute or funny, but because I wear the same clothes every day.
My gangsta career was brought to an abrupt and tragic end when my homies caught me sipping on a frappucino doing my taxes
Worth remembering.
“1-1-9, what’s your non-emergency?”
Caller:
“Just kidding, you dialed it right. Thought you could use a laugh right about now.”
Government Shutdown: Day Two
Mars rover Curiosity sits with nothing to do.
Watches all 5 seasons of “The Wire”.
Totally gets the hype now.
FOMO? No, I’ve got FOBI. Fear of being invited.
A spray bottle for people who stand too close in line.
me: [trying to sound cool] I’m in a punk band
cute co-worker: that’s cool. What the band’s name?
me: [looking over desk for ideas] Inbox(29)
I think my daughter is starting to take a dim view of Santa because she’s asking things like “can the elves leave if they want” and “does he help make toys or does he just sit there”
Be warned: there’s a proper legend on the streets of Brighton.
How to be happier:
1. Exercise
2. Lift weight3. When you’ve become stronger due to those exercises, smack the person who made you unhappy.
Just gonna drink light beers today because I don’t wanna get drunk but I do enjoy peeing 37 times.
Apple Computer is taking steps to
protect user privacy.Their new policy is iWon’t tell…iPromise
I can’t believe I’m supposed to obey ALL the traffic laws ALL the time.
I know karate and tons of other words.
My biggest skydiving fear is that the person strapped to my back will try to talk to me
[Lori Loughlin trial]
JUDGE: Does the defence have any witnesses?
LAWYER: We’d like to call Jesse Katsopolis
JUDGE: Isn’t he a fictional character?
LAWYER: Yes, your honor
JUDGE: Is he just gonna act hunky and say, “Have Mercy”?
LAWYER: Yes, your honor
JUDGE: I’ll allow it
I’ve been interrogating this dog for hours and he still won’t tell me who’s a good boy.
[creation of bats]
God: stretch out that mouse
in hell your cat can talk and he openly judges you for everything he saw you doing when you were home alone
All those years of getting horrible elementary school pictures was just society’s way of preparing you for your driver’s license photo.
Me: My beautiful daughter, I would cross oceans and move mountains for you. I would fly into the darkness if I knew it would make you happy.
Daughter: Can I have a Dorito?
Me: I’m sorry but these are, unfortunately, my Doritos.
The nicest piece of exercise equipment I own is a stationary bike. It’s actually a regular bike, but it never moves because I don’t ride it.
Look Mr. Wendy’s, I ordered a chicken club and you gave me a stupid sandwich. I have a car full of chickens on ecstasy here. Help me out.
Remember when everyone died before gluten-free bread?
People I live with are hiding my shit. The two most effective hiding places to date:
1) out in the open
2) where I last left it
accidentally called out my dentist’s name during my colonoscopy