[opens fortune cookie]
“Your debit card will decline, leave once the waiter goes to the kitchen and wait for further instructions.”
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Someone just called my phone, sneezed and then hung up.
I’m getting sick and tired of these cold calls.
MURDERER: could a murderer do THIS? *defendant proceeds to not kill anyone*
JUDGE: he’s got a point
Zombies never bite hipsters.
They taste fine.
We just don’t want to spend eternity hearing them say they became undead before it was cool.
I hate it when people who are younger than me complain about being old. They’re all like… well, I forget what they say, but it’s still annoying.
One time my dad caught me doing homework and made me eat an entire pack of calculators
Ian: “I’d like to report my guide dog missing.”
Cop: “Right. When did you last see him?”
Ian: “I’ve never seen him.”
just leave it at the foot of the bed
The burrito I ate for lunch today just sent me a push notification.
ME: i saw a guy on the back of a van
FRIEND: …and?
ME: that’s it i guess
The defense rests your honor.
*camera pans to defendant taking a nap*
Attn people who run in dark clothes at night,
I don’t have THAT much car insurance.
1. have a child
2. never mention it on facebook
3. dress it in old-timey clothes and have it stand in the background of all your photos
I’m willing to pay $2 to find out what the future is
The Rock missed a huge opportunity not naming his daughter “Pebbles.”
Man: Is there a doctor in the house?
Dr: I have a PHD in literature
Man: This man is having a heart attack!
Dr: Thou know’st ’tis common; all that lives must die…
Uber: *text* It’s your Uber driver. I’m outside of the bank
Me:*texting back* Nobody move! Put the money in the bag!
Uber: What?
Me: Lol srry had talk to text on. Be right out
YOGI BEAR: Hahaha, I just stole their pic-a-nic baskets!
RANGER SMITH: You murdered 7 campers.
YOGI BEAR: *Exasperatedly* …To get their pic-a-nic baskets.
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I put chips and salsa out for family and friends and didn’t use a Thanksgiving dish.
Woke up to find my cat and Nicolas Cage in my living room with a stolen Declaration of Independence, lemon juice, and a blow dryer.
bella waking up at the end of breaking dawn part 1
[meeting at the headquarters of literally any app]
good morning everyone, let’s get started. the first and only item on our agenda is, how do we make this app worse
I used to think Ol’ Yeller was a book about my stepdad.
ME: We live in an uncaring universe void of meaning and purpose.
WIFE: I understand, but you’re still folding all this laundry.
[HONK HONK]
…one more honk and I’m gonna…
[HONK]
*gets out of my car*
*walks to the car behind me*
*feeds the driver’s goose some bread*
“Waiter, I’d like to send this back”
-m’am, I believe that’s your husband.
Pitching “Oppenheimer’s Dream House.”
So there’s a legend that in 1593, a soldier in Manila teleported to Mexico and I’ve never felt so connected to the lengths someone will go to for tacos.
Hospital Administrator: And how will you be paying?
Me: *Has no insurance* Dearly.
[before calculus was invented]
me: I understand everything