[Busy Diner]
Waitress carrying 4 plates: “OK now, honey. Who was eggs?”
Me (highly educated): “In a sense…” (scrunching up eyes to read her name badge) ”…Barbara. All of us were once eggs.”
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I highly suggest that you do not google that term.
Whenever I see a new couple on a date I walk up to their table, hold up my phone and tell the guy “You’re Wife Sarah says hello”.
Lady at the dollar store checked to see if my $20 was fake. Like if I could counterfeit money I’d be shopping at the dollar store.
[stranded on a desert island]
*plane flies over head and drops a letter*
Me: omg I’m going to be rescued!
*opens letter*
we’re just reaching out to you about your car’s extended warrantyMe: Sonofa-
An app that tells you if there’s anyone at the grocery store you’ll have to make small talk with.
BREAKING: I am a medical miracle
I’m 6’4″ and built like someone who ate someone who was 6’5″
Sometimes when I look into the sky I get overwhelmed with emotion and eat the nearest entire tree and everything living in that tree
I believe you cannot save people, you can only just love them. Which is probably why my job as a lifeguard didn’t last long.
When I was younger, I was so stupid,
I made bad decisions that will haunt
me for the rest of my life.And by “younger” I mean yesterday.
when there are deer in the woods
I literally have no idea what my friends had for lunch today.
My kid is mad at me because *checks notes* I would not let her hang out in a dog crate and I ruined her dreams of being a dog
me: [dancing in a well lit area]
Bruce Springsteen: absolutely not
Never ever tell yourself “my idea isn’t good enough.” The entire premise of Marmaduke is “what if a dog was big” and that shit has been going for 60 goddamn years
Revenge is a dish best served cold. Unless revenge is a meatloaf. That you should heat in the oven for forty-five minutes at 350 degrees.
One time I got so nervous when a guy took off his pants in front of me I said “friggity diggity” please do not rt
[Lies on resume about having gone to preschool]
Boss: You’re hired. Your first task is to make me a macaroni picture.
Me: *eyes widen* what
When are we gonna admit that those tools we keep by the fireplace are just for killing people?
yoooo let ur cat know i said pspspsps
Bookternity leave should be a thing. Like maternity leave but for when you have new books to read
You don’t scare me. You’re not the evil eye I get from my dog when I make him get up from the couch so I can lay down.
-My daughter: We are being watched.
-Me: Nahhhh.
So she laughed
And i laughed
And Alexa laughed
And Siri laughed
And the robot vacuum cleaner laughed…
What’s up with all these idiots on TV trying to talk to ghosts? I don’t even wanna talk to the living.
Her: How would you describe that green sheep?
Me: I don’t know. Olive ewe?
Her: I knew you’d say it first! I love you too!
Entrapment 101
Daughter: Daddy, why is the moon following us around?
Me: I probably owe it money like everyone else on the planet
Me: I’ll take one insurance
Insurance salesman: It doesn’t work like that
Me: *shoving $12 in his breast pocket* your best one, please
Remember back when we knew the 7- or 10-digit phone numbers for ALL our friends and family. Now the only phone number I know is 911.