I’ve decided to take some time off Twitter so I can focus on work and, ok, I’m back
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I created a new solvent that will dissolve ANYTHING in the world!
(Sigh)
I just don’t know what to keep it in….
I’ve noticed many of my friends are in The Grapefruit Window, which means they’re old enough to enjoy eating grapefruit but not yet on medication that prevents them from eating grapefruit.
The coolest part of the Bible is where one couple somehow populates the world by having kids from every race and ethnicity.
I had 13 items in the 12 items or less line, so I just put a banana in my pocket.
choose your fighter
*neighbors putting mountain bikes on the car*
you guys headed down to the pawnshop?
*holding a toilet plunger at 7am* Oh I don’t know. How do you THINK today is going?
If you want your friends to stop asking you to work out with them, go once. Show up in leather. Bring your workout cake.
Me: It’s not working out between us. You’re too suffocating.
Darth Vader:
my mom: you still coming over today?
me: definitely
mom: great I have a few things from IKEA for you to put tog—
me: i cant make it
She’s a 10…but sometimes an 8 and maybe a 12 once in awhile because clothing sizes are so inconsistent.
I need to stay vigilant while venturing into the ocean this week.
Sharks be looking at me like “I can get three meals out of him.”
No thanks, newborn babies of literally any species on planet Earth.
Come back when you’re less pink & rubbery & can loan me thirty dollars.
You are what you eat?
*eats Natalie Portman*
A fox: People aren’t so bad. I hear they named a news station after us.
[Watches 1 minute of Hannity]
We attack the humans at dawn.
I’m in a really bad place right now*
*in my neighbor’s driveway “stealing” my doordash that was delivered to the wrong house
That’s no pocket rocket.
due to inflation you can now eat food that has been on the floor for up to 7.3 seconds
My DNA came back saying I come from a wide selection of cheeses.
Don’t judge me because I only have $4 in my pocket.
Judge me because I stole it off my daughter’s night stand.
Don’t open any messages you get from me. I’m not hacked, I’m just really mean
Cop: Are you drunk?
Me: Could a drunk person do this? *I just piss my pants*
Cop: WOW. Yes actually.
Me: That was supposed to be a backflip
Wife: how much did it cost to rent that bouncy castle?
Me: I dunno. Buying it wasn’t cheap tho
coworker: what’re u gonna be for halloween
me: ur mom
coworker: lol havent heard that one in a whi–
me: matthew u never call
I wanna look like a snack this summer but I keep eating them
I have no idea what she’s talking about.
HOW COME YOU NEVER HEAR THUNDER AROUND LIGHTNING BUGS?
old man watching me duck to get off a bus in tokyo laughed and said ‘you are too tall for this you are like a big carrot’
guess i’m a roast carrot now
WIFE: i have a gynecologist exam today
ME: what?? i didn’t even know you were in med school
Karate instructor: Come at me with an attack and I will defend it.
Me: You are stupid.
Instructor: *holding back tears* I meant physically