I hate when someone finds out I read the same book they did and thinks we’re in some kind of a gang or something.
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I picked the wrong year to stop drinking.
– a Memoir
[Grim Reaper arrives at my door]
ME: oh no, is it my time?!
GR: Oh no, I’m just coming for that last tweet you posted. That thing’s been dying for hours…
The only thing I do to get my body ready for summer is make sure my AC is serviced.
Last week a friend told me she’s looking forward to her toddler turning 3 because she’s tired of the defiant stage. I’m still laughing.
im no good at video games
“no one is at first just give it a shot”
alright
*presses start and mario just sits down*
63% of Americans can’t locate the Earth on a globe
All the people upset over same sex marriage didn’t seem to mind when Paula Abdul was openly dating a cartoon cat in the late 80s.
Everybody at the party got upset when Baby Jesus turned the wine into breast milk.
A lady in a BMW pulled up to me on my bike to ask if it was hot out, and now my goal is to be so rich I can’t feel weather.
A couple of our wine glasses broke, and I bought slightly smaller ones to replace them.
I don’t think my wife has ever been this mad at me before.
Even autocorrect has no idea where I’m going with this.
Oh, you’re with child? That’s cool. I’m with vodka.
*rubs belly*
Me: *eating chips in bed*
Husband: I thought you said no eating in the bed.
Me: We live in a different world now.
Husband: So, I can-
Me: *interrupts* No.
When you have this song stuck in your head, is it just your mind playing tracks on you?
If Trump wins the presidency, you know who’s gonna be the most excited about buildin’ a Southern border fence? Canada.
A milkshake in the yard yields hornets. Therefore, place a hidden milkshake in the yard of your enemies.
Taylor Swift: Now we got bad blood.
Lab Technician: Damn it Taylor I told you to refrigerate that!
Pirates that used X to mark the spot were stupid. If they had used a G, nobody would ever have found their treasure.
[wedding day of the girl that got away]
any reason why these two shouldn’t be married, speak now or forev[sound of a dirt bike approaching]
Of course I believe in miracles…even though I’m a virgin, somehow my wife has given birth to three beautiful children.
On behalf of everyone who works in an office, a coal mine, a fast food restaurant, really anywhere, I have decided to make it my mission to find out who coined the phrase “do what you love and you’ll never work a day in your life” and trebuchet them directly into the sun
I’m at that age where I can no longer refer to other people as “elderly.”
Me: “I love you.”
4: “Thanks. I love Batman.”
Our house is too small for a proper hallway. We pretend, though, and give directions like “it’s in the bedroom down the hall.”
[breathing]
“I could do this all day.”
me: hi sharks, I built an app that calls the elevator when you’re 30 seconds away, so it’s waiting when you get there
Mark Cuban: I’m offering $5M for a 1%–
me: huh? I’m not seeking investment, I’m just here to brag that I’m gonna be rich
I can understand why chickens wake up and scream
to discover what’s going on with justin bieber we caught up with his manager scooter braun, who is named after two different types of razors
Q. Why did the ghost’s dessert come back when he threw it?
A. It was a boo meringue
Not reading the replies to this
Hearing an adult say they “don’t understand why the government doesn’t just print more money so people have more” is why we can’t have nice things.