The leading method of suicide in Albania is attempting to kidnap Liam Neeson’s daughter.
You Might Also Like
*getting murdered*
wait stop moving. im trying to get the dog filter on both of us
ME: (first day as a detective) It looks like he accidentally shot himself in the head while trying to eat his own gun. What a shame.
MY PARTNER: Have u considered suicide?
ME: Jesus Christ man, I just get sad sometimes. I dont want to die.
me: I just hate delivering bad news over the phone
firefighter: *staring at burned down building* ok but you still should’ve
Celebrating a year since my bike got stolen and the wee boy put it on FB marketplace that evening and I stole it back the next day.
My bra as colander, catching stray food since age 15.
A smile every mile will get you further faster but if that doesn’t work, carjacking does.
Pilot: welcome aboard
Fighter pilot: [right hook]
Sad how shallow some women can be. I was informed the girl I like said she’d NEVER date a guy w/ a job like mine. Sorry I’m not some hot shot lawyer or doctor. Idk, maybe embezzling money from a children’s cancer research fund isn’t the most prestigious job but it pays the bills
Restaurant review: the food definitely breaks apart when you chew it. Menu has letters. People were there too.
Just looked at a beautiful pink sunset and thought, “God I love London”, then remembered there is a sky everywhere and I’m paying half my salary to sleep 2 feet from my drying clothes
[Text convo]
Her: Can I come over right now?Me: [Puts entire mess in closet, puts high thread count sheets on bed & sprays Febreeze] Sure.
Someone just said the secret to getting ripped is no sugar, gluten, or carbs
Sounds like I’m eating water and air today
Cop: License and registration, please.
Me: Sure, can you hold my beer?
[sitting up to eat my ice cream] I feel my core getting stronger already
Me: I think you might have schizophrenia
Me: No I don’t
Never trust anyone who says “let me be Frank” no, what is your real name?
I just watched an ad for a stain remover in which they cleaned a pool of blood off a sofa and it seemed perfectly normal.
Men over 35 are terrible at sharing their momma’s secret recipe for her most requested dish.
And now we wait.
I just hit a duck with my car. Wasn’t even in it. Incredible strength.
Participating in a raid on a secret high-tech underground bunker? Be the guy who knows the access codes. The guy who knows the access codes always makes it to at least the third act.
My 5YO lost her first tooth and is very certain that the tooth fairy will give it to an old lady who really needs it
Her: I don’t even know what the cloning machine does
Me: Well that makes two of us..
The whole “limiting myself to one glass of wine a day” thing is going really great. I’m like 5 years ahead of schedule.
Me: *reciting passage from The Satanic Bible*
Them: You idiot, what have you done? You WOKE the devil!
Lucifer: Intestines are just water slides for your poop
I have a hard time believing the inventor of Rock, Paper, Scissors was like “OMG this is so much fun!”
Condoms do not guarantee safe sex.
A friend of mine was wearing one when he was shot by the woman’s husband.
Apple managed to launch IPhone 8 and make it outdated all in a span of 25 minutes #AppleEvent
Going to church you guys need anything
i hired way too many actors for my movie about weather. it was overcast, is what im saying