disney: we want a nice elegant design that just says ‘Walt Disney’
graphic designer: Walt Gisney
disney: looks great
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Netflix and you sit over there.
Hear me out. Organ harvest festival.
Them: “It gave me all the feelings!”
Me: “Literally just name one.”
Me: [on mars] *opening bag of chips*
My dog: *blasts off from earth*
How old is too old to go trick or treating? Say over 50. Please say over 50.
So apparently going to the medicine store’s manager with a pack of condoms asking them where the changing rooms are will get you banned from the medicine store.
MUGGER: give me ur wallet
ME: stand back i have mace
MUGGER: [sniffing] is this cookies-scented febreze
“Ow that dog just nipped at me”
PEE ON IT!
“No man NO STOP THAT DOESN’T WORK FOR EVERYTHING”
I’M HERE FOR YA BUDDY!
I almost died last night. I woke up at 3am and MY FOOT WAS HANGING OFF THE EDGE OF THE BED. NOT EVEN UNDER THE COVERS.
If I was a police sketch artist I would be like “is this the guy?” And they would be like “nope that’s a barn” because I can only draw barns
Yep.
Seems like everybody is wishing to find that special someone in their life, and I’m just over here wishing I could eat without getting fat
Computer: Choose a password.
Me: 9Df6akt86lpd
Computer: Dude, this is a format tweet, don’t use your actual password.
If you’re happy and you know it eat a bug
I just ran 4.1 Kms and realized you can write anything you want after that and no one will read it purple monkey dishwasher.
Hey man, best wishes. And I’m not just saying that because I’d be the number one suspect if something happened to you.
> be 28
> mom tells me to get a job
> put on Braveheart face paint
> run into kitchen
> scream FREEDOM
> mom tells me to get a girlfriend
I have a great poker face because I have no idea what’s going on.
At bath time, my 4-year-old asked if he could use “the other bath.” We only have one, so, filled with curiosity, I grabbed his little hand and asked him to show me. Kid led me to the dishwasher.
If you didn’t want me to object to this wedding maybe you shouldn’t have had a cash bar
The easiest way to bundle your home and auto insurance is to live in your car.
Neighbours described the United Kingdom as a “quiet, well-mannered country” that “kept itself to itself”.
[does his regular grocery shopping]
Cashier: having a kid’s birthday party?
Me: ……………….yes.
Sex is great but have you tried taking a shower after a week of camping?
Me: Everyone should adopt a dog.
Him: Some people don’t like dogs.
M: Who?
H: I don’t know. Some people.
M: Who?! I want names and numbers!
My 9-year-old brought a guinea pig to the table for lunch. Then she left to get something from the kitchen. Now the guinea pig and I are just staring at each other. Awkward lunch for two.
Enters supermarket with a long list.
Exits with a six pack and rotisserie chicken.
Me: How awful do I look?
Him: You always look beautiful.
Me: Do I need to put makeup on?
Him: Maybe just a…
*stare*
Him: No.