Hey gurl, were you taped to the inside of a birthday card from my grandmother? Cause you’re a dime.
You Might Also Like
INTERVIEWER: Says here you do magic tricks?
ME: *hands him back his business card* Is this your card?
INTERVIEWER: holy shit
I accidentally confused Star Trek with Star Wars and some kid threatened to cut me with his Virgin card.
[first time interrogating a suspect by myself]
Me: we know you did it
Suspect: did what?
Me [long pause while looking over notes]: crimes
What’s the 5 second rule when you drop a baby on the floor?
Instead of a sock on your door, hang a doughnut. Not only is Doughnut Disturb hilarious, you provide a snack for your now homeless roommate.
Having the time of my life slicing vegetables super fast like I’m a chef at a Michelin star restaurant while the uneven mess I’m creating looks back at me in its judgmental misery *chef’s kiss*
If you say “it’s twelve noon,” I assume you eat cow beef and didn’t do well at education school
My she-ro of the day is the project lead who turned on her camera during today’s group Skype meeting.
i like how every TEDtalk ever is just like “organize your time better” and everyone says “revolutionary, thank you”
This is a baby horse: it can walk 4 hours after it’s born
This is a baby human: don’t touch its head wrong or you’ll bonk its brain
I hate when a bag of potatoes goes bad because not only are the potatoes wasted but so are all the coins I have to put over their eyes.
I cooked a new recipe for dinner and my 6yo ate it. If you need me, I’ll be out buying a lotto ticket because today is clearly my lucky day!
My husband texted me while I was at the store and asked me to pick up birthday candles for my own birthday, so guess who’s turning 33 instead of 38 this year because birthday candle numbers don’t lie
me: I wish for infinite wishes!
genie: ok
me: wait are you serious
genie: [exhaling cigarette] yeah I don’t give a shit
I mean, COME ON! It’s not like I MEANT to serve sangria instead of kool aid to my Sunday School class but at least those animal crackers were straight up legit!
My kid told me the book we were reading was fiction, and the reason he knows that is because dragons don’t eat tacos, they eat meat
I’m watching Fatal Attraction to refresh my psycho skills
My children wanted to play neighbours and are very upset that I called the cops to report them for trespassing
Usually takes me two or three tries to correctly aim the remote at the TV, if anyone was thinking of challenging me to a duel.
Okay, OKAY, I’ll take “I did it all for the nookie” off my résumé.
I love how every airline is like “not to brag, but we actually clean the planes now.”
So bored I just logged into my LinkedIn account.
Me: I’m older and wider
Them: don’t you mean “wiser”
Me: nope
How DARE you go the speed limit in a situation like this…
~Me, to anyone with the audacity to be in front of me when I’m running late.
Crayons: come in boxes of 8, 24, 64, or 96
School supply list: box of 18 crayons
[middle school]
Teacher: in 1492 Columbus sailed the ocean blue.
Me: he was actually a horrible person who committed many atrocities.
Teacher:
Me: mass genocide just to name one.
Teacher: *frustrated* ok but I feel like you don’t even want to know what he named his ships.
*looks up*
*looks down*
*looks up*
*looks down*
*turns blueprints over*“Shit.”
Our homeschooling curriculum includes: Honors Laundry and AP Vaccumming.
Me to boyfriend: You didn’t take the trash out.
Trash to boyfriend: You took me out last night. *lights cig* Didn’t you tell her about us?