Cashier: That’ll be 15 clams.
Me: *opening cooler full of shellfish* Do you have change for a lobster?
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Potential serial killer in Stockton, CA. Be on the look out in the Stockton area and in California as a whole. Watch this video to see what we know! Important!! But also watch this ad first
eats a dozen doughnuts…
*checks for flabs*
One of my most strongly held beliefs is that if you push down hard enough on anyone’s shoulders extra hair will start piping out of their head like a play-doh barbershop set
Body: *sharp abdominal pain*
Me: Oh, God. Is that cancer? I bet it’s cancer.
Body: Are you gonna go to the doctor? If you’re worried it’s cancer let’s go get it checked out.
Me: No, I’m good.
As often as I lose lighters and sunglasses, it’s a good thing I never had kids.
Or did I?
Imagine my surprise at the school Thanksgiving “costume” party, when I showed up as Poison Ivy and everyone else was dressed as pilgrims.
Him: Can you believe what’s going on in Egypt?
Me: Yeah…it’s crazy…I gotta go. Bye.
Me: *googles what’s happening in Egypt?*
I posted happy birthday bunny to my husband on Instagram. I’ve never actually called him bunny, but I didn’t have my glasses on and it was early in the morning and I meant to say baby and anyway, he’s bunny now. Forever.
so much to do
football players have to wear helmets so they aren’t tempted to kiss the other players between plays
Me: *flirts*
Anyone watching:
How to lose weight:
1. Name your kid Weight
2. Take it to the mall
Should I ever become president everyone who uses the word “bae” will be sterilized.
[planning for wedding]
i found us a remote location
“Omg where?”
*points to fanny pack stapled to wall above TV*
The remote goes there now
Tinder, but it’s an app that you and your wife have for local restaurants, when you both swipe on a match, that’s were you go for dinner.
interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume?
lady that posts recipes online: well, it all started in the summer of ’21, when i decided to visit italy to reconnect with my roots
Sorry I commented on that video of your kid taking his first steps with “aw look you taught it how to walk on its hind legs!”
terminator: come with me if you want to live
me:
terminator: I said–
me: I’m thinking
Top uses for a bathroom exhaust fan:
3. Remove moisture from the air
2. Remove odor from the air
1. Cover up disgusting sounds
If someone says, “I hate to ask you this, BUT…” you should have 4 designated friends who will jump on you & carry you out of the building like secret service agents.
If I’m reading their lips correctly, it looks like my neighbors are having an argument about the creepy guy next door.
Me to me: I will spend this day in isolation doing productive things I’ve always wanted to get done
Me, six hours later, finally glancing up from my phone: pardon
If you’re not careful with those, you’ll shoot your eye out.
*points to Spanx*
What’s your stance on public intoxication?
Mine is very wobbly.
I just yelled “ACKNOWLEDGE MEEE!” at the automatic sensor in the sink faucet if anyone is wondering how stable I am today.
5: Can we go outside and play.
Me: I’m sorry but I don’t feel good. I’ve been throwing up.
5: Can’t you just throw up outside?
Have never been roasted to the level as I have been today after asking my department full of tall Tinas if we had a step stool for the file room. They’re trying to find a booster seat on Facebook marketplace for my desk chair. It’s over. I’ll never recover from this.
I saw an owl. He stared at me and didn’t fly away. I stared at him and didn’t fly away either.
“Mom, the kid in the other car is making faces at me.”
“Just ignore him, sweetie.”
God: thou shall not covet thy neighbor’s wife
Joseph:
God: starrrrrting now