Jesus: My moms a virgin.
Olive Oil: Well my moms an extra virgin.
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Just spoke to my wife whiIe twitter was down. She seems nice. She’s a nurse apparently
time to go viral by writing an obvious thing in all caps a bunch of times.
repeat after me.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
People terrible at the sex should take notes from dentists & give out goody bags. It’s like yeah that was all uncomfortable but here’s some goodies so you’ll hit me up again.
I dont mean to sound racist, but why is my baby black?
*doctor sighs for like 3 mins*
“Sir, its an ultrasound”
*Seinfeld bass riff for days*
I follow ripped guys around the grocery store and just buy what they buy
A nationwide recall of the popular children’s cereal Trix was issued today
“Just dump them out in your garden” said one long-eared FDA agent
When folks hear I’m a therapist they often say, “Hey I should talk to you.” and I’m like, “I thought that’s what we were doing.” Then we laugh and I send them an invoice for 150 dollars.
Definition of Insomnia:
Finding a spider in your bedroom & when you leave for a second to get the spray & come back it’s gone
I triple waxed for this?
I went into a bookshop earlier carrying a book. I seem to have put my book down to browse other books and left with no books. Have called the bookshop but they’re struggling to find my lost book amongst all the books. This is the stupidest thing I have ever done
My niece calls me her ankle. I call her my knees.
We are a joint family.
wife & I just overheard the kids talking about how they’ll decorate the house after we die, so I guess we’re sleeping in shifts from now on
Who called it a “backpack” and not, “the sexiest way to deliver bees to an ex.”
Doctor: Would you like a local anesthetic?
Me: No, I’d prefer one from out of town.
There’s a lot of strange facts in this world if you think about it. For example, some people like when there’s pulp in their orange juice.
If you listen to 3 or more Sheryl Crow songs, that’s a murder
My family wanted a Disney experience so I charged them $150 to stand in a line for three hours before taking our daughter to the bathroom.
Pretty sure my dog is even ashamed of me right now, and I’ve seen him do some questionable shit.
Don’t ask.
“…tell me I can’t have a fish… I want a fish I’ll damn well have a fish… she’s not the boss of me… don’t know who that woman thinks she is…”
No one said life would be easy, but a heads-up on the number of idiots out there would’ve been nice.
All I need is to hear those 3 special words
“Want a sandwich?”
Ultracrepidarianism is the habit of giving opinions & advice on matters outside one’s knowledge or competence.
Or, as I call it, tweeting.
My dentist said I need to cut back on blows to the face
Getting asked ‘you want a fork’ by a hot Chinese waitress is misleading as fork to my american ears
5 year old: can we just have dessert for dinner tonight? I’m asking you first because you make great decisions.
5: I want to do something no one else has ever done.
Me: Help me clean?
5: No. Something fun.
And occasionally she would come back into his life like a burp from a bad pickled egg eaten at a church social.
Paranormal Activity would be more unsettling if the room started messy and the ghost cleaned it
Paramedic: What happened?
Me: [lying in pool of blood] I told my girlfriend she was turning into her mother and she stabbed me.
Paramedic: They all turn into their moth– *also gets stabbed*
Me: Don’t spit at your sister!
4: I’m a bunny.
Me: Bunnies don’t spit.
4: I’m an acid-spitting bunny.