“I really like you, can I take you to dinner”
Sir -if you really liked me you’d send dinner to my house and let me be pantless instead of creating a food hostage situation
You Might Also Like
[Bedroom at midnight]
*scary noises*
Husband: is… is someone in here?
*demonic sounds from the closet*
Husband: honey, are you trying on those jeans again? I told you they don’t fit anymore
*sad demonic noises*
[robber waving gun around in bank] nobody move a muscle
[me making eye contact with him then to the popsicle in my hand then back to him]
dove: don’t poop on a nun…don’t poop on a nun…*poops* dammit
can’t afford invisalign so i’m having my teeth shrink-wrapped instead
Damn girl, are you a desk? Cause I’m not exactly sure how to pick you up
[NYE]
ME: *wearing 2017 glasses*
OPTOMETRIST: *rubbing his temples* Stephanie your eyesight may be bad but you really only need one pair
I had to Stop for this
Me: *Chivalrously places jacket on a puddle so the lady won’t step in it*
Woman whose water just broke: Please just call 911
6: What’s a hangover?
Me: The interest repayment on fun.
The puffer fish spends days creating a beautiful boudoir in which to lure a mate and I just want a man who can load the dishwasher properly.
Just called the number of a guy I met last night and a pizza place answered. I didn’t even know you could live in pizza places. I’m in love!
i cannot relate to all these YA main characters that have the focus and determination to complete their little tasks and save the world. after about two weeks when the hyperfixation of it wore of, i’d let the planet die bc i discovered knitting
As the Lord intended
ME: Who’s a good boy?
MY DOG: What have you heard?
Just killed an ant and I feel like for the sake of gender equality I need to kill an uncle now.
Marriage teaches you a lot about yourself. For instance, I’ve learned that I don’t need to use so many paper towels, and they’re expensive.
It’s not easy to find someone who has their shit together, but when I do I avoid them at all costs.
Introverts are just extroverts who have realized that most people suck.
I feel like true love can be proven by whether you would stay with your partner if they suddenly started wearing a beret all the time
Patiently waiting for the spooky season like:
Can i borrow your truck?
Me: no problem just read the dashboard
evidently it’s ‘not appropriate’ to call the embassy when the grocery store is out of brazil nuts
Accurate
We currently live in a house with one bathroom.
Therapist: That’s not what I meant by why do you cry at night.
Signs that your pet dog might be a scorpion:
– Has six legs
– Fewer people want to pet it
– Responds to popular scorpion names like ‘Maurice’ or ‘Steve’
– Has a tail made of ouch
When I was 9 months pregnant with my son, my mom & I were on the side of the road, struggling with a flat. A car with 4 men stopped, not to help, but to ask for directions to a local golf course.
My mom sent them 15 miles in the wrong direction.
She is the legend who shaped me.
Kids: Yay! Summer break!
Me: Not so fast. Let me introduce you to…THE GREAT SUMMER CHORE CHART OF 2017!
*3 kids faint, 1 runs away*
Based on the TV shows I watched as a kid I was expecting a lot more pies to the face by this point in my life.
[robbers outside bank]
When I said get some masks I meant something creepy like wolf masks
“But can’t u feel your pores really opening up?”
me: let me tell you about the fast and the furious movies
him: no spoilers
me: i assure you there are a ton