Nobody:
Neighbors: THEYRE ASLEEP LETS SET OFF ALL THE FIREWORKS
You Might Also Like
Nobody said you have to like your colleagues.
But apparently there are some explicit rules about poisoning them.
I dreamt I was getting attacked by a bike repeatedly.
It was a vicious cycle.
Who needs whips and chains? Christian should have had Ana read Fifty Shades of Grey if he wanted to torture her.
My superpower is finding the humor in nearly every situation. Uncle Bob’s superpower was flying. Landing… not so much. Lol
Priest: That’s your eulogy?
Age 8: “Being a werewolf would be fun!”
Age 18: “Being a werewolf would solve all my problems.”
Age 28: “Being a werewolf is an escapist power fantasy for emotionally stunted children.”
Age 38: “Being a werewolf would be fun AND it would solve all my problems!”
I wrote ‘I loathe ‘ and ac finished it with ‘people’. I’m gonna marry my phone.
If anyone’s looking to join a pyramid scheme, hit me up and I’ll connect you with all the girls I went to high school with via facebook.
“STOP IT STOP IT. CUT. THIS IS ALL WRONG” I scream at my cats dressed like vampires. “This is NOTHING like Twilight!!”
WIFE: Stop taking things the wrong way.
ME: [swallows suppository]
my parents support me pursuing comedy but they also think the big bang theory is peak comedy so i might be doomed
How many pans of brownies eaten gets me the Girl Scout badge for gluttony?
*keeps applying antiperspirant until he can remember doing both armpits*
Bird seed is amazing. I sprinkled some on the garden and when I checked 10 minutes later lots of new little birds had already sprung up.
* Gets fired *
Well….my job is done here.
[zoo]
ME: Haha…this one’s face!
WIFE: Tha-
M [bangs on glass]
W: Stop it
M [pulls funny face]
W [elbows me aside] So sorry, 2 tickets pls
The invisible woman had sex with the wolfman and now they’re expecting a where-wolf.
[after bowling]
Me: that was fun
Date: you whispered “bowling” every time you rolled the ball
Me: it helps me aim
[later in bed]
Me: *whispering* bo-
Her: -no
*me trying new contouring makeup
Them: now just blend it…blend it
Give me a break, ouija board. I don’t need to know who was killed in this house. Just tell me how the murderer got away with it.
When my wife sends me to the grocery store solo with a specific list I am not allowed to improvise. That was made clear when I got home.
Saying you wanted to know where I came from is no excuse for banging my mom.
If the kids can eat chocolate eggs for breakfast, that means I can have Bailey’s in my coffee, right?
Before you say you want to be treated like a king or queen, just remember that a lot of them were beheaded.
Apparently “The WiFi signal is the strongest there” isn’t the right answer when the boss asks “Why are you spending so much time in toilet?”
My husband and I had an argument yesterday, we went to bed angry.
I woke up to a bacon egg & cheese. I thought wow… he’s really making an effort. I ate it.
Turns out it wasn’t for me 🤣
[after finding and hanging out with bigfoot] does anyone have one of those pet hair rollers
Nothing says “I enjoyed the taste of paste, fingerpaint, and crayons in first grade” more than a potato chip bag opened from the bottom.
Here’s how I get my kids to wash the floor: I give them a cup of water without a lid. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
GOD: I call those trees and plants
ANGEL: very beautiful
GOD: ya I’m gonna make some people allergic to them
ANGEL: dude who hurt you
I just want a girl that’s nice and sweet that doesn’t require a lot of money and I can dunk them in milk wait, a cookie, I want a cookie