I always carry a knife w me in case i run into someone w 10,000 spoons.
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What doesn’t kill you is just as disappointed as the rest of us.
*gets hungry*
*bakes kale chips for a snack because diet*
*eats six cookies while waiting for kale chips because hungry*
“I’m a little upset.” — Canadian protest sign
This dogs tail is more talented than I will ever be
Amazing how each of the kids in Willy Wonka was written to represent a different deadly sin: pride, gluttony, sloth, chewing gum until you become a blueberry, greed, etc.
Scientist: The eclipse will be just like this…
People: Wow, you were right.
Scientist: Now about climate change
People: Shut up egghead
friend: make her feel wanted
me: okay
[later]
me: *tossing photo at table of bounty hunters* this is your target
Who, you ask, turns the AC on during a polar vortex? Sociopaths, fascist dictators, my boyfriend.
ME: *sits*
BARBER: You’re completely bald.
ME: Just snip the scissors around my ears and gently touch my head for 10 mins, please.
interviewer: and how many years of experience do you have being a sandwich?
judge: please, rephrase the question
yoda lawyer:
The three genders.
Me, before kids: I’m going to be one of those moms that always looks put together
Me, today: Pulled a dryer sheet out of my sweatshirt sleeve that I’ve worn all day
🤭😂
I bet Columbus was super pissed when he rolled up in the Santa María only to find Dora had already explored America.
[heaven’s IT department]
Ok, I see why your computer’s crashing. Have you been closing doors again?
God: Yes, why?
Too many open windows
The problem with family is that you can inherit a disorder that runs in the family from relatives you barely knew, but the money never
Trying to use the phone’s flashlight to look inside its own charging port.
roman lesbians: *caesaring*
Horton Hears a who?
Horton Hears a what?
Horton Hears a huh?
Horton hears a chicka chikca chicka chicka slim shady.
why do we call them railroad tracks and not training lines
Getting bitten by a radioactive spider didn’t quite turn out the way Mittens imagined
INTERVIEWER: this says u work well with otters. Did u mean others?
ME (shoving a romp of otters back into my briefcase): haha yeah of course
For my next magic trick I’ll turn this fifth of tequila into a restraining order.
When a work project succeeds: “This was a group project. We all contributed and worked hard on it, and we all deserve credit. Yay team!”
When a work project fails: “That was Steve’s idea.”
How did that guy know he went through the desert on a horse with no name? Did he try asking the horse? Was he aware that it was probably his job to assign a name if there was not already one in place? A lot of things don’t add up here.
School district says no pajamas for online classes
What are you gonna do, send them home?
“Hola! I’m Señor Coconut, children”
[cracks head on the pavement. Children scream]
“Drink me. Drink me. I’m full of vitamins and minerals”
I try not to be loud in the office restroom stall unless my boss is in the restroom, because then I want to prove I’m not just goofing off.
The Hello Kitty exorcism kit includes my gullibility for being duped into buying her cute products again.