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The software development process
i can’t fix this
*crisis of confidence*
*questions career*
*questions life*oh it was a typo, cool
When I die, I want to be buried with a few random animal bones so archeologists 1,000 yrs from now will wonder what the hell I was
karate teacher: shatter that board
me: *holding it up to my face* your whole family died here and I watched
teacher: not like that
board: *crying* yeah not like that
My husband proposed two days after Valentine’s day so that every year he could get me discounted flowers and chocolates on the anniversary instead of the holiday
Me: *my toddler might eat this healthy food if he can dip it in ketchup*
Toddler: *eats the ketchup by itself*
HER: I’m breaking up with you..
ME: Is it because W e A re I N a Bl a k H o l e ?
C ¡ !
H
E R: Y
e S
! ! ! !
Not saying I deserve a gold medal in parenting, but it’s 4:47 PM and my 4yo just yelled “FINE THEN, I’M GOING TO BED!” So you be the judge.
When I get bored on a Zoom meeting, I put a cursor under the speaker’s nose to make it look like they have a booger.
[ first day as a villain ]
him: hi, how are you
me: very evil, thank you
when someone rings the doorbell
Her: I’m not going to keep pausing the movie to explain it to you
Me: I just have a hard time understanding
Her: they’re in that position bc he delivered the pizza but she doesn’t have any money
Explained to my 9 yo how programming works:
1. You have something you want to do.
2. You write code to do it.
3. The code doesn’t work.
4. You fix the mistakes.
5. When the program works, you realize your idea was wrong.
6. You fix the idea.
7. Goto 2.
I won’t open the garage door because I’m afraid the cast and crew from “Hoarders” will be outside waiting.
I SCREAM
YOU SCREAM
WE ALL SCREAM BECAUSE MY WIFE IS DRIVING WITHOUT HER GLASSES ON AGAIN!!
Just when you think you have your shit together, a sock goes missing from the dryer and disappears from the face of the earth.
If I ever trip slightly while walking, I make sure to look back and down at the ground so that the people around me know that I’m normally great at walking, but in this particular instance there was something wrong with the ground.
Cheerleaders are there to tell you that your team needs to score more points & the name of your team in case you forget at any given moment
i only got hired to babysit one time and i let the kid drink from a puddle. well technically we both drank from the puddle
Him: I really like your car
Me: Thanks!
H: What is it?
Me: Uh……black?
Didn’t realize my teen was annoyed with me until she ordered a Coke at lunch even though we’re a Pepsi family.
I want the immune system of this barefoot man in 7-Eleven
kids play hide and seek like
The afternoons I spent on my hair.
Franz Kafka, 1912.
I would never get a minivan because I can’t even think of 7 people I’d want to be stuck in a vehicle with.
I was so stupid whenever I was young. I’m much older now though
I’m not saying becoming a parent ages you, but when I started having kids I was 24, and now I’m 117.
interviewer: how’s your handwriting?
me: oh not bad
interviewer: what about the other letters?
I was in a debate and someone defended their position by saying, “Opinions can’t be wrong”
I said, “In my opinion, opinions CAN be wrong. Thus proving the existence of at least one wrong opinion.”
Idiom update: “the pot calling the kettle black” is now “the guy from Aerosmith accusing a dude of looking like a lady”
You: hello
Me: Ok here’s why you’re wrong