“thank you for your order, I’ll push it off the edge of the counter when it’s ready”
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It’s actually the voices outside my head that irritate me the most.
ME: I think human cloning is a big mistake
ALSO ME: ok wow, I’m right here
From now on, I am starting violent emails with “to whom it WILL concern”. I want to be clear that I am fighting!
How do you row a canoe filled with puppies?
Bring out the doggy paddle
to get your prison name, take your favorite weapon and then murder someone.
twitter is a journey
“Can I help you?”
“Please communicate my desire to open a dialogue with the ownership of this establishment regarding the possible procurement of gainful employment as promulgated by the advertisement affixed to the portal.”
“So, you’re here about the job?”
“Most indubitably.”
If I had a time machine I’d bring all the Home Depot skeletons I could find to the Victorian age and surround a village with them while they all slept
Not to brag or anything, but I can forget what I’m doing while I’m doing it.
[dinner party, setting out the main]
Friend: Wow! Is this edible gold? You’re really stepping up your game!
Me, thinking about my kid’s art taped to the kitchen cupboard shedding glitter like a damn Head & Shoulders commercial: Isn’t it fancy?!
Dead
Alive
Other✔
Ten seconds into packing a box…aaaand I’ve lost the end of the tape
Coffee cake.
Just put 2 things I like together, what’s next?
Sex steak?
My cousin thinks the phrase is sperm of the moment. Someday, I may correct her.
I may not have great parenting skills, but in my defense the kids don’t have great childing skills either.
The French really did the “this is fine” meme.
Just accidentally swallowed some Listerine. Expecting a minty fresh poop in the near future.
At this point the angel on my shoulder just mutters “You’ll regret it,” then slowly sips whiskey.
the dog is mad at me bc i wouldn’t let him eat sriracha off the ground and my feelings are hurt so no i don’t want children.
My 3yo asked for gnocchi for breakfast because apparently I’m the head chef at a 24 hour Italian bistro.
I told my daughter to check her attitude and she looks at me and said “For complaints about attitude please contact the manufacturer.”
Well played, well played!
This air is so toxic and unhealthy right now I think I want to date it
Horrifying if literal: shit storm
I, too, enjoy McDonald’s sausage biscuits. We will dialogue further, you and I.
KFC hitting the cannibal market
We had to cut our 2yo off from YouTube. Like any addict, he hasn’t responded well to going cold turkey but his irises aren’t red anymore so that’s good news.
The most British vandalism I’ve ever seen…
“Age ain’t nothing but a number.” Bro, age is a word.
I don’t know who needs to hear this but women don’t really wear flowery see-through dresses to ride horses in real life.