Adding the word “farmhouse” to a table or piece of furniture allows you to charge $1000 for it.
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A true master of balance is someone who can saunter over to your table, drink in each hand, while being three sheets to the wind, and not spill a drop!
On HGTV they can flip a house in a month and I’ve been “getting ready to vacuum” for the past two weeks.
ME: Hmm. My biggest weakness? Tough question. I guess some people say I’m delusional
UBER DRIVER: I didn’t say anything
During winter months, some people will try to hug you just to steal some of your body heat.
Beware of false huggers.
Son: I don’t like it when the house pees on me
Me: OMG just get in the shower
If my husband doesn’t start helping with the housework soon, we’ll need a crime scene cleaning crew.
[cruise]
Me: boats freak me out
Wife: listen to some music
M: how
W: there’s a band on ship
M: a what
W: a band on ship
M: *jumps overboard*
“Can I buy you a drink?”
“I’d rather just have the money”
Me: Back to school tomorrow! Everyone ready?
14: Yeah, let me check if I have any homework.
He’s been off for 17 days.
You guys, I checked. Wolves can’t blow houses down, even if they are just made of straw and sticks. It’s all anti-wolf propaganda started by Big Pork
What I thought I’d want my kids to learn: kindness, compassion, empathy
What I actually want them to learn: to flush the toilet and turn off a goddamn light
Doing math together is known as fourplay.
If I was a rapping novelist, my stage name would be Warren Piece.
Justin Bieber only pretends to retire on Twitter, worst Christmas ever.
Drugs CAN make your life
miserable but if you wanna
leave no room for error,
try a Marriage Certificate.
-Luca Brasi sleeps with the fishes.
-He has sex with fish?
-He’s dead.
-I’m not surprised. Having sex with fish doesn’t sound very safe.
AC changed “dies slow death” to “does slow death” and that actually feels more on point
The puffer fish spends days creating a beautiful boudoir in which to lure a mate and I just want a man who can load the dishwasher properly.
So as far as I can tell, the Metaverse is just Animal Crossing but you’re being hunted by Mark Zuckerberg.
I started this new workout that helps protect my abs and obliques by rubbing grilled cheese sandwiches on them from the inside then my body puts a protective layer around them on the outside.
Today I took the stairs. My legs burned, I was all out of breath and I stopped and I thought to myself… I really need to stop using the stairs.
Avenge me but only if it’s convenient.
the michael jackson of crabs impressing all his friends by walking smoothly forwards
Breaking news: There’s been an alarming rise of close call heart attacks. The first symptom is, “you almost gave me a heart attack!”
Doctor: I’m afraid you’re dying
Me: And there’s no cure?
Doctor: Yes just cut out pizza and chocolate
Me: I can’t believe there’s no cure
Oura Ring: “Time to stretch your legs a bit?”
I’M IN BACK TO BACK ZOOM MEETINGS LEAVE ME ALONE HEALTH DEVICE!
Humans are 60% water.
Water is 60% sharks.
Humans are 24% sharks.
I’ve tried everywhere so I can confirm that there is no snooze button on a baby.
If all lyrics were as profound as “I got soul, but I’m not a soldier” by The Killers…
5. I got hips, but I’m not a hipster
4. I got toes, but I’m not a toaster
4. I got hooves, but I’m not a hoover
3. I got badge, but I’m not a badger
1. I got meow, but I’m not a homeowner