The company hates when I helicopter into work.
It’s always, “zip up your pants and go see HR now!”
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Yes, your mother loves you. Mothers are notoriously poor judges of character.
unless you’re ryan reynolds driving a taco truck, i ain’t chasing shit
yea so i messed up lol
Why are books the only thing advertised as “Wherever books are sold.” You can’t sell other stuff by saying “Wherever you get this shit, IDK”
Today, I saw someone waving and I wasn’t sure whether they were waving at me or at someone behind me. In other news, I was fired from my lifeguard job.
Some of you make me glad your pics aren’t scratch and sniff.
The older I get, the more I relate to those angry elderly people who go around biting others.
A face mask and rubber gloves is all you need to wear when you go to mall they said.
I felt a fool.
Everyone else was wearing clothes.
My eye keeps twitching. I’m no doctor, but I feel like eating a large quantity of bread and cheese will probably cure it.
I now ask my Dad things like he used to ask me when I was a teenager.
Where are you going? Who are you going with? What time will you be back? Do I know any of these people? Do you have a coat?
*When I see someone else jaywalk*
“What an idiot.”
*When I jaywalk*
“I am a trained professional. Do not attempt this yourself.”
why have kids when i already have a voice in my head constantly talking me into buying things i can’t afford
6-year-old: Can I have some Oreos?
Me: You have the flu.
6: I’m sick, not dead.
Sometimes the last thing people hear before they’re murdered is the sound of their pen that they won’t stop clicking.
Whenever I see a bruise on a banana my first thought is pity, but then I think it probably deserved it because I slipped on a peel once.
Me: Could you have someone clean the third floor restroom?
Front desk clerk: There is no third floor restroom.
Me: There is now.
I saw nothing
[princess gets captured in a castle]
[princess breaths a sigh of relief cuz she knows 2 short Italian plumbers]
They say you are what you eat.
*opens a big bag of nuts
I’ve reached the age where I meet a person I would consider “older” and then find out they’re the same age as me.
I’ve always admired a man in a uniform who is soft, sweet and tender. I guess my perfect match is the Stay Puft Marshmellow man.
I wear a mask because I like to leave something to the imagination.
ME: (ordering for my date) What do you recommend for the lady?
HOT DOG VENDOR: Hot dogs.
The best baby age is when they say “baby” when they see another baby as though they themselves are not in fact also a baby.
If someone at my funeral is like “he loved everyone” i just want you to know, I didn’t
Every now and then I wear a button-down shirt just to remind myself how buttons work.
Lord help the person who honks at a mom while she’s strapping her kids in their car seats.
It was already gonna take an hour to get us ready, but now it might just take 2.
If you ever get attacked by a bear, throw your shark at it. Also, get a shark.
[Tarot reading ends]
Reader: Remember, you’ve been warned!
Me: *looks up from phone* Oh maybe I should have been listening to that.