Me: What do you want for breakfast?
Kids: EGGS! BACON! WAFFLES! CHOCOLATE CHIP PANCAKES!
Me: Let me rephrase. Who wants toast?
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Save a horse, ride a wave of anxiety.
[Star Wars Episode VII scene]
Princess Leia: I love you Han.
Han Solo: *favs but doesn’t reply*
People who complain about parties must not like free food.
I like to walk through the mall and hand out bags of Cheetos to all the kids I see wearing white clothes
Just played that Facebook game where an app tells you what state you’re best suited to be in and I was disappointed it didn’t say unconscious.
Britain be like
I asked my brothers why they’re getting two separate ps5s when they live in the same house and can share, and they told me to go share my phone with my mum😑
mousepads sound like groovy places for hip mice
Start replying with “In this economy!?” anytime anyone asks you to do anything. It’s legit.
when you miss someone’s call by one second and immediately call back and they don’t answer. what’s going on there. did your telephone explode. did you fall into a chasm
Tapping a clown on the shoulder and saying, “Tag, you’re IT,” is a great way to die.
*rubs magic lamp, genie appears*
I wish for World peace.
Genie: Can’t do it.
Million dollars?
Genie: Listen bro, I lied on my genie resume.
“I got expelled”
How?
“I wrote 2+2=41 on the whiteboard”
Ok that’s dumb but-
“So my prof told me to go back up there…”
Oh no
“and rub 1 out”
If you live in an apartment in NYC you’re already part of the tiny house movement. You’re just in denial and paying too much.
Me: omg look how bad they messed up my name at Starbucks, this isn’t even close
lupita nyong’o: that’s my coffee
Algorithms aren’t omniscient, they’re more like aunties buying presents. “I saw you like rugby. Surely you must play golf, they’re both sports!” “You live in Paris. Would you be interested in traffic updates from Cincinnati, because they’re both cities?”
So it turns out the child that cost me the most money in the Legoland store……was me.
Stalker status update: Good news-I’m not in your house.
The bad news-I am UNDER your house and the tunnel is complete.
Sometimes I overhear a conversation and want to tell one of them to run
When I was a kid, I had to walk uphill both ways in the snow just to change the TV channel.
I’m amazed they make so many cars without turn signals. Seems like that would be a requirement on a vehicle.
My dad: what kind of dog is that?
Me: Rhodesian Ridgeback.
Dad: Rhode Island douche bag?
Me: close enough.
I have a lot of disdain for anyone in the top 1% who hasn’t become Batman.
bought candy at the movies and suddenly i can’t pay this months rent anymore
I have my own music. Stand outside my house holding a cheesecake over your head.
Signed up to be a diplomat. Won’t need a vaccine cause I’ll have that sweet, sweet immunity
[divorce court]
her: he was unfaithful
him: thats a lie!
judge: do you have proof?
her: his Netflix said he watched episodes without me
him: judge, thats not being unfa-
judge: shut your cheating mouth!
I won’t believe in God until “Thou shalt puffeth, puffeth once more and passeth to your neighbor” becomes a Commandment.
Have single guys scared of the “Friend Zone” even heard of long-term relationships or marriage?