“Did you ever try my hot salty water?” – Inventor of soup
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“I’m Bond. James Bond”.
Well, Mr Bond. Allow me to introduce myself.
I’m Evil. Ken Evil.
[speeds cycle up ramp]
[jumps 8 cars & a bus]
Was carded whilst buying wine today and my response was to point out that I was wearing a very sensible cardigan
Why do sanitary towel adverts always feature a liquid which is blue?
Are aliens their primary customers?
I’m not sure why people limit themselves to snapping wishbones when there are so many excellent human bones for breaking.
Your fav movie?
My brain:
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say itMe: It
She: But WHY are you breaking up with me? Please tell me honestly.
He (sigh): Ok It’s…your “signature sex move”
She: Judgmental Corpse?
97% of scientists believe climate change is man-made and causes rising sea levels of oceans. The other 3% believe Frank Ocean is an ocean.
*every day after camp*
Me: Did you learn any new games today?
7yo: Yeah, we learned a game called [slightly differently named game].
Me: Cool. How do you play?
7yo: *describes tag*
I like having multiple children because that way if one doesn’t happen to be screaming there’s always another around to pick up the slack.
There’s a fine line between confidence and delusion and I ride that shit like a bear on a unicycle.
The Republicans haven’t got a single candidate who could survive a Willie Wonka factory tour.
If I reach 700 followers, I’m gonna tweet naked for the next hour. Won’t do much for you guys, but it’ll certainly liven up Starbucks.
[spiders pour into room]
THEYRE EVERYWHERE
[group of tap dancers enter] ALRIGHT MEN THIS IS WHAT WEVE TRAINED FOR
Phone: face not recognized
Me: *starts crying*
Phone: Ahh there it is
My nephew’s inability to get his life started is so frustrating. Get a job, learn a skill, get a hobby or just do SOMETHING. But my family keeps justifying his behavior because “he’s only three.”
Done with dating sites. I’m now focusing on pizza delivery guys because at least I know they have a job, a car, and pizza.
Shout out to the people who deleted their twitter accounts on New Years, see you in a few days
Another day of explaining to mom that New York is big and the footage she saw wasn’t shot on my street.
[walking quickly past the old lady I just held the door open for] this doesn’t mean you can order before me
Fun date idea: Put a fake diamond ring in your dessert and act like your date proposed. Men love that.
My 5 y/o: ugh, all we have is cereal for breakfast
[Next morning, after I make pancakes]
My 5 y/o: I’ll have cereal
And the Lord said in the presence of a loading zone
My Mom has been smelling something burning since 1983.
I like men with glasses because once they come off everything is a little blurry and I’m very okay with that
-My cat will ONLY drink from a slightly running faucet and she rubs her gums along the side of it.That’s the faucet I brush my teeth from. So basically I’ve made out with my cat.
Therapist: [Puts her pen down. Rubs the bridge of her nose]
*Pushing the unlock button on my car key as I approach the front door to my house
Nah, I ain’t distracted.
When I’m King, people who say “based” will be the first to go.
I’m 43 years old, and 1995 was 4 years ago, but 2003 was somehow 30.
can’t talk rn I’m busy cyberbullying people who paint over solid wood antique furniture