CHASE: Hi we are calling to check for fraud you spent $40 at 7/11
ME: Yea
CHASE: Then you went to Taco Bell at 3am
ME: Are these questions
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Going viral is a great way to see that 50,000 people looked at your profile and thought, nah.
Social media is perfect when you’re feeling sorry for yourself and your desire is to feel worse.
“Release the Kraken” I say as I push “clean” on the Roomba.
What doesn’t kill you makes you come up with stupid clichés.
Get the body you always wanted this summer. Go grave-robbing.
Homeschooling update day 3:
Me: *Googles mortality rates for homeschooling parents*
This meeting could have been an email. That email could have been a fistfight in the alley
Castro: I will not die until America is destroyed
Trump: I’m gonna be the president
Castro: well then
Cinderella: I lost another shoe
Prince Charming: *through clenched teeth* who is he
A Mexican stand-off, but it’s 3 Canadians each trying to pay the bill and they all have to pee
Sorry I’m late, I was chasing a pasta noodle around the sink w/ the faucet sprayer and lost track of two hours.
Me in my 20’s: Gotta steal this grocery cart so I can ride down a hill wasted
Me in my 30’s: Gotta steal one of these nice hotel hangers that also hold slacks
Me: look who came by for a little sucky sucky
Vampire: don’t say it like that
drank a Mike’s Hard Lemonade & crashed my dirt bike into a mailbox RT @McDonalds Good morning! How was your weekend?
Mice were invented in 1867 to help control the cheese population.
That moment when you see candid pics of yourself, taken from behind while out walking and it just confirms you look like a giant chicken nugget propped up on two waffle cones.
Tried a smile yesterday and my white blood cells attacked it.
DONALD TRUMP (45 minutes into watching wall-e): this film is not what i hoped it would be
#Caturday
“Would it have killed you to brush my hair once in a while?”
-my daughter going through old photo albums
my favourite word in the dictionary is ratio because it’s under rated
Have you ever cropped a picture as you texted it; the crop didn’t stick and now your wife is asking who that woman is?
I bet you could move to the UK and start calling people a, “bleeding tea cozy mop ringer” and it would eventually catch on
Welcome to adulthood. Every time you login now, it’s a game of “Will I get into my account the first time” or “Will I be spending the rest of my life sitting here resetting my password forever.”
Day 4 of social distancing.. My husband just challenged my kids to a Tic Tac battle (aka TikTok) .. dear god help us all.
Kid: What’s this?
Me: A napkin holder
K: What’s a napkin?
M: You wipe your hands on it when they’re dirty
K: You mean like the couch?
M: …
“Make it look like he had a happy little accident”
-Bob Ross, Mob Boss
I know I have a dark sense of humour sometimes, but I’m genuinely just trying to make people laugh and never really trying to be offensive
Unless, of course, you’re vegan lol
After 23 years together my wife asked me why I test out couches by laying on them. It’s like she doesn’t even know my track record by now