Gave a stranger my home address to pick something up that I’m selling online so looks like I’m getting dismembered for Christmas.
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King: For the last time, what’s your SURNAME?!
Sir Name: *staring, eyelid twitching in frustration*
I suspect that my cat has plans to kill me, but has just never been awake long enough to carry them out.
Advantage: human.
Her: *Googling* baby on fire what to do
Google: Call 911
Her: *Googling again* Baby on fire what to do NO TALKING ON PHONE
Overheard 10 plan her b-day party with her BFF, including renting several hotel rooms for a mega sleepover.
Somebody tell her, I can’t.
My 7y/o son walked in without eyebrows and I was just about to put him in timeout for shaving them off when I noticed tweezers in my dog’s crate and now I don’t know who to punish.
*pronounces GIF like graphics interchange format*
Slack jaw. Vacant eyes. All symptoms of someone listening to me talk.
Taught my daughter how to use Amazon Lists and now I have 371 items under “you should buy me this”
Someone accused me of being a coke addict and I was like oh my gosh thank you for thinking I have money
Police on bikes arresting someone:
“You’re under arrest. Get in the basket”
Look, don’t call it a salad “bar” if you’re going to tell me I can’t do ranch dressing shots.
*patting my infant son on the back*
you can fit a whole airplane in this baby
date: do you like a little danger?
me: sure do. danger’s my middle name… unfortunately my first name’s stranger. and your mother probably warned you about me
Me single at 22: calls dibs on a hot guy.
Me single at 37: calls dibs on the biggest slice of pizza.
Super glue dry times:
Wood – 30 secs
Steel – 60 secs
Ceramic – 20 secs
Fingers – instant
WIFE: He never pays any attention to me. All he cares about is that dog.
THERAPIST: is this true?
ME: [sewing swim trunks for the dog] is what true?
Cauliflower pretzels? Do you know what either of those words mean?
Thanks, Google, probably could have managed those last two letters myself
exec: any ideas for new kids shows
writer: a mouse tries to murder a cat with a toaster
exec: nice. what else?
writer: a coyote tries to murder a roadrunner with dynamite
exec: love it. any more?
writer: a dude with a speech impediment tries to murder a rabbit with a shotgun
Going to church you guys need anything
magician: “think of a letter, any letter”
me: “ok”
magician: “now double it”
me: [visibly confused]
Anything can be a flamethrower if you set it on fire and then throw it
its actually not that difficult to tell crocodiles and alligators apart. one will see you later and one will see you in a while
I feel like I’ve been drinking water since the day I was born. When does it end? Like get over it blood I’ve given you plenty
How many court cases have been thrown out because the judge needs a unanimous decision & the jury is made up entirely of dentists
“I should probably start filling this thing out.”
-I say about my son’s baby memory book on his wedding day.
Just vacuumed for the first time in a really long time and apparently I have hardwood floors?
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i mend relationships
professor boyfriend: oh wow
[party]
me: ugh who invited that guy, he’s so childishher: he’s 7 and it’s his birthday
Call your boring friend Simon, “Sighmon” he’ll never know the difference and you can laugh about it with your cool bros over beers.