How many Happy Meals do you need to eat before they start to work? I’ve just had six and I feel terrible.
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I wish I’d worked to learn another language. Only so I’d be more believable when I use language barriers as an excuse to not talk to people
Insane how Jesus was born on Christmas and resurrected on Easter??? Like what are the odds
You brought me roses? I can’t eat this. Get out.
One minute you’re young and carefree and the next you’re stuck on a park fence you thought you could still jump over 😬🤭
My husband just asked if I want to go hiking for our anniversary.
I think he’s planning on pushing me off a cliff.
jewelry making tip: a simple can of gold spraypaint can turn a chicken nugget into a gold nugget
My favorite genre of meme is people unknowingly kidnapping coyotes
Pee pressure > peer pressure
I get it February, I can only leap about once every four years too.
imagine being commissioner Gordon starting out your career with hope then one day there are mutant shark villains and shit spawning every 5 minutes, people are falling in vats of chemicals, you go to a grown man in a bat costume for advice and you’re like why is this my life now.
Now that I am a parent I am confident that the reason my parents had to “check my Halloween candy” was NOT because of razor blades and drugs.
When I’m feeling old, I like to visit my parents so they can push all my buttons until I lose my shit and just like that, I’m 16 again
Terrifying if literal: Liquid Plumber
Black Friday Shopping Tips:
1. You don’t need anything
2. You can’t afford anything
3. You’ll just be in the way
Well, at least my kids are finding new and exciting ways to make my two college degrees meaningless.
Irritating friend: I passed your house yesterday.
Me: Thanks. I really appreciate that.
She died as she lived—shouting expletives at a box of cling wrap.
If I was a pug, nobody would give me funny looks for slobbering in public or eating food off the floor.
humans: wat did we ever do to deserve dogs
dogs: wat horible sins were done to our ancestors for us to be subservient to the humabns
[Mom group]
New mom: My six-month-old is teething.
My mom: My 30-year-old won’t move out.
I’m not an asshole. I’m just a guy who won’t tolerate stupidity unless it’s coming out of the mouth of a naked woman.
Saw a bunch of people wearing red and I assumed they were Chiefs fans and I started cursing them out and long story short I am now banned from this Target..
[watching TV on couch]
Me: Think you’ve got enough blankets on you? I can’t even see you, ha ha.
Her: …
Me: I said, do you think you have enough blankets on you?
Her: …
Me: I’m just talking to a pile of blankets, aren’t I?
Pile of blankets: …
I TRADED MY ALARM CLOCK FOR A KOALA SO I CAN SLEEP UNTIL HE STARTS BEGGING FOR LEAVES WHICH’S LIKE 3 DAYS
any two men could tell me they were in daft punk and i would believe them
me logging onto twitter
Hug your kids as often as possible.
They can’t break your shit when you’ve got them in a full body lock
model UN: we follow parliamentary procedure, you can’t just call “dibs”
me:
model UN: also you can only be countries that exist
me: the nation of flavortown declares war on the UN