I downloaded the Pinterest app and now my phone is stuck in a mason jar.
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REMEMBER, if five people classify you as a “2,” technically, you are then a “10”…
*points to wrist* this is my Fitbit.
*points to rest of body* this is my fatbit.
If someone says they’re a lover not a fighter it’s completely legal to punch them to see if it’s true.
DATE: so this is my dad and this is his porcelain cat collection
ME: wow, I feel like I’m in a
DATE: no
ME: mewseum
DAD: *nods his approval*
I’m convinced that thumb wars were created when two guys just about to dance with each other got caught
“I was so high that I cried because I realized that snakes are just tails with faces”
Accidentally mixed up Sudoku and Sepukku again. Long story short it’s a good thing I was already in a doctor’s waiting room
if the groundhog comes out without a mask its 6 more months of quarantine
Really, every section of the greeting card aisle could be called “Societal Obligation.”
When texting a girl “will you marry me” what’s the best emoji to use?
I felt bad for the monster so once a week we switch and I sleep under the bed.
My friend and I were talking about food and he said “I’m not a big Chinese guy” and I was like “I know you’re not”
The first one, obviously
interviewer: what are your strengths
me: when i was little i drew a picture of a beer so good my mom put it in the refrigerator and an hour later she tried to drink it
interviewer: what about weaknesses
me: my mom’s a mess
Don’t worry about my probation officer, he just likes to watch.
Is “drunk” an emotion?
Because if it is, I am feeling SUPER emotional right now….
Me: In this day and age, for a man to be preaching intolerance is unacceptable.
Wife: Big deal. So the doctor said you have to stop eating cheese.
The #NSA walks into a bar. Bartender: “Got a new joke for you.” NSA: “Heard it.”
this lady on nextdoor was like “we’ve had this chihuahua for ten years but we had a baby so now we’re getting rid of our dog does anyone want him” and i replied “rehome the baby” and now IM the bad guy?
Losing your spouse can be hard.
But it’s not impossible.
A cartoon bear needs me to prevent forest fires, Becky. That’s why I can’t go to your stupid wedding.
Why can’t I be rubied or diamonded. NOOO. I had to be jaded.
Please don’t exorcise the demon possessing me if it’s really good at things like small engine repair or has a secret recipe for a perfect pie crust.
Santa Claus & his elves wouldn’t be able to wrap the gifts needed for all the children in the world quickly enough unless they had more limbs. Therefore, the logical conclusion is that they are all octopuses & the “North Pole” is actually the lost city of Atlantis. In this essay,
It might just be MAX now, but whenever his mom gets mad she still calls him by his full name, Hubert Bertinelli Oscar Maximus the third
Seeing a lot of Facebook posts about kids going to school but not seeing any follow ups about them coming home, what in the damn hell is going on
He was looking for a job and then he found a job
Seeing all this inclusion on TV and movies now is making me feel like I grew up in the 1800s…when only my knees did
*Stands in wood & sets self on fire*
“OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING?”
I want to look hot on tinder.
*died in your arms tonight*
*stuffed in your trunk tomorrow*
*buried in the woods the day after that*