I could be an astrononaut. If it wasn’t for the in shape part. Or the science. Or the going into space.
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2020 is like going to a wedding and finding a cash bar kind of year.
As a kid I had an imaginary friend, Jerry Lapston. He had a backstory and everything. The funniest thing though was that my little brother wanted a friend too, and in a moment of youthful innocence came up with the best creepy imaginary friend name ever: Uncle Bathingsuit
A Muslim in London just told me Merry Christmas. I smiled and said and Happy Ramadan to you. A beautiful moment of interfaith harmony and a stunning rebuke of Brexit. Then she said but it’s not Ramadan and I said listen granny stop ruining this fake story I need the retweets.
Women’s skincare is so confusing am I supposed to look shiny and sweaty or matte like cement
u buy breath mints? who needs to buy breath mints, people give me breath mints all the time, they just hand it to me like “here, take this.” also, why are u buying soap
Her: I bet you forgot it.
Him: I have a photographic memory.
[shakes violently]Her: ?
Him: Sorry, it’s a Polaroid. Is it Becky?
Her: NO
I just got an email from twitter saying they miss me
Ya I miss me too
*leaves one gummy bear in the packet*
i’m letting you live so you can go back to your king and tell him to send the rest of his troops
It’s only a matter of time before the zombies are afraid to eat our brains because we’re such idiots.
I don’t know why smokey the bear carries a shovel, but it scares the shit out of me.
the first two drinks don’t count if you have social anxiety they just turn you into a normal person
Dad joke:
Q: How can you tell the difference between an oral and a rectal thermometer?
A: The taste.
how do you get over the heartache of an ex whose cat ur never gonna see again?
HERE’S A KID WITH NO ARMS AND NO LEGS AND HIS PARENTS ARE DEAD AND YOU’LL DIE SOON TOO, BUY THINGS.
– Super Bowl Commercials in a nut shell
ME: this one time me and my friends went camping and-
DATE: “my friends and i”
ME: so this one time me and my friends and i went camping and
Her: Your house has a lot of cool stuff in it… Who plays the piano?
Me: Pretty much anybody who is trying to get on somebody’s nerves.
I must have been a raccoon in a former life. I started out cute and cuddly but the older I get the hairier and crazier I get.
Now I have a garbage pallet and I’ll probably hiss at you for touching my snacks.
I still like to cuddle though.
Doctor: what seems to be the problem?
Me: I need to be docted
Doctor: you came to the right place. I’m a doctor. I doct people
I applied for a loan from the U.S. Government, but was turned down because I had a legitimate repayment plan
Teaching my kids the true meaning of Easter by taking them to church and locking them in there for three days
Sure, new mom Kylie Jenner goes makeup-free for Vogue & everyone celebrates her.
But when I go makeup-free to the grocery store, people are all, “Are you ok?? You look sick. You need sleep. And vitamins.”
You mean ‘idiosyncrasies’ doesn’t mean two or more idiots doing the same thing at the same time?
mmmm This chocolate speaks my language. Or it would, if it weren’t being eaten. So. I guess it’s probably horrified-screaming my language.
Do I want to join the Illuminati, bot?
I AM the Illuminati.
Me to Copilot: Does “d73H” mean anything to you?
Copilot: Hmm… No. Why?
Me: That nerd down there on the beach seems to think it does.
Dear scientists,
We have enough milks stop milking things and cure cancer
Another couple invited my husband and me to do a triathlon and it’s way worse than we thought. Apparently “doing a triathlon together” is code for “doing a triathlon together.”
Officer: Did u know your back light is out
Me: I don’t know if you noticed… I’m inside the car. You had a bit of an advantage
My favorite people are the ones that like to pass judgement on others because they have obviously lead a perfect life