Bruce Willis is never content with how hard he dies.
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I’m not saying I hate you but if you
were on fire I’d bring sticks and marshmallows.
Why did they call it “conjugal visit” when “guilty pleasure” was right there?
Be kind to strangers. One of them could end up being your coroner.
Child: Mommy said I’m allowed to say the C-word now.
Me: Uh. What C-word?
Child: The bad one.
Me:
Child:
Me: Mommy is letting you say-
Wife [running in from other room]: CRAP SHE MEANS CRAP
Torturer: just tell me what I need know
Me: NEVER
Torturer: *bites ice cream using his front teeth*
Me: OKAY I’ll talk
I’m absolutely irreplaceable at my place of employment. As long as they never try replacing me with a block of wood.
no, autocorrect, i am not searching for dishwasher safe Tupperware kids
The Human Body Is 90% Water, So Basically We’re Just Cucumbers With Anxiety” – Science Person
[Watching the sunrise with my girlfriend]
HER: Aw, this makes my day.
ME: It makes everyone’s day, Sharon.
Hey Chandler, wanna hang out with me, Phoebe and Monica later? We’re going to the park to open and close umbrellas in a fountain.
I tried to twerk and have spent most of the afternoon stuffing my waistline back into my shorts.
I legit had to reread this several times before I realised it wasn’t intended to be a conversation between the Beta Male and the Alpha Male.
Forget a alarm clock just give me the smell of bacon and coffee
me: (reaches for the bill) no no, i got it
my date, grabbing her stuff to leave my apartment: thank u for paying your own electric bill
You’re lifting weights dude, you’re not in labor. Settle down.
Filming my own version of “Taken” using cats. My cat will play Liam Neeson and the red dot from a laser pointer is his daughter.
How’s homeschooling going?
I just failed grade 5 math.
Again.
I was told you have to wait an hour after you finish eating to swim. I didn’t know there was such a thing as an hour after you finish eating
Did you come from a “never take medicine for any reason whatsoever” family or a “you might get a headache today, take 12 advil” family
every other girl looks super cute in her leggings & boots & sweater and here i just look like your jazzercising aunt in her stirrup pants from 1991
“NO, YOU CANNOT HAVE CANDY FOR BREAKFAST!” my children yell at me.
At Walmart checkout other day:Cashier: “you have a dog?” Scanning dog food.Hubz: No, our kid needs the protein.
[my funeral]
priest: we are all going to miss, uh… *snaps finger* you know.. *glances at my wife*
wife: *turns to my mom*
mom: Greg? I feel like it was something close to Greg.
Mom, can teenagers drink coffee?
-my 5yo, planning ahead
Ultimately, I’m not sure what marriage signifies, if anything. Legally I guess it means something, for wills or whatever. But “spiritually?” It’s just some words, a ritual, no more or less sacred than a high five after a touchdown. But I digress. You may now kiss the bride.
Scientists found there may not be as many benefits to flossing as we thought. Guess none of them have ever been to a party with spinach dip.
Me: I have 3 small kids, so preparing a healthy breakfast can be a challenge some mornings.
Friend: You should meal prep at night to make things easier.
Me: I guess I should have mentioned that the kids live here at night, too.
Aliens will always remain unidentified because they’re embarrassed to be associated with us humans.