Ever notice most Ford names are more fun to say when you put “anal” in front of them?
Probe, Explorer, Excersion, Ranger…
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Very, very few humans have walked on the lunar surface. You might say that they’re in the moonority.
If your drug dealer is on time, he’s a cop.
me: I guess you could say I’m at the end of my rope
executioner: how are you talking
If a gym has 75 treadmills, 1 is being used, what do you do?
You go home because it’s your favorite one being used
Math is easy
How do I know you’re not a cop?
“If I was a cop, how would I have this?”
*shows police badge that just says ‘Not a Cop’ on it*
Oh, okay good
Me: I’m not paying someone to do this job when I can do it myself.
Me, 30 minutes into job: I will pay someone all my money.
(way too loud, trying not to get murdered) Wow, the Boeing corporation’s manufacturing quality is top notch, outclassed only by their generous workplace policies
Hamburgler: Success! Look at this amazing haul of these McDonald’s burgers!
Hamburgler’s Mum: *sobbing* Your brother is an architect.
I went to the house I grew up in and asked if I could have a look around. They said no and slammed the door. My parents can be so freaking rude…
Play a fun prank with your kids by hiding a bigger Elf on the Shelf in your house each day so in a few weeks he’s 10 feet tall and they’re absolutely terrified of Christmas.
After buying my limousine, I couldn’t afford a driver.
All that money and nothing to chauffer it.
“I don’t want to sound ungrateful, Carl, but I think I’ll get the bus to work tomorrow”
Mom: Did you dye your hair?
* twirling my fingers through my freshly coloured brown ear *
How did you know?
i wish it was legal to leave the house without spending at least $100 but they actually shoot you execution style if you try
“Come to me flesh of my flesh”.
*embarrassing teenagers is easy.
I bought my mother-in-law a pair of ankle weights for her workouts. She’s proven to be a much stronger swimmer than I’d imagined.
That time I tried to clap while doing a push-up and almost died.
amazon prime: select delivery window
me: *types* the bathroom one
Dads be like, “Picked out the t-shirt I’ll be wearing every weekend for the next 20 years.”
Stop calling women wild and fierce, unless they’ve bitten someone.
9 called to ask how much bleach it takes to get purple ink out of carpet and because she’s so cute and at her dad’s I went with all of it!
If laziness was an Olympic sport, I’d probably come in fourth so I wouldn’t need to walk up to the podium.
Pollen count so high, junkies are trying to uncook their meth back to Sudafed.
Old man in public library is watching gladiator clip by clip on youtube while his wife sits next to him reading a magazine and frowning. On this floor a homeless man is reading prince harrys biography and I am flipping through a table sized atlas looking at maps of central Asia
Hemorrhoids should be called a more gender-neutral name, such as themorrhoids.
I just want the confidence of a kohl’s cashier asking people if they’d like to save 35% off their total purchase by opening a kohl’s charge when said total is only $3.25…….
My kids used to get so mad at me for not picking them up after school. But, good mothers don’t drink and drive.
The Rainforest Cafe isn’t realistic enough for me. Part of the restaurant should burn down by the time you finish your meal.
[plastic surgeon holds mirror up to my face]
ME: What happened!? I’m a monster!
DOCTOR: We had to postpone your surgery.
2020: omg we’re entering hell
2021: ok so how do we make hell cozy