I want whatever ice cream is most popular served at my funeral bc I think it would be funny to see a bunch of adults eating ice cream cones but really sadly
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[cuts open a gender reveal cake and several black cats pop out]
Oh hell yes we’re having a witch!
If you have never had a friend that you haven’t contemplated leaving at a gas station forever I applaud you.
Dear animals who hide from humans, I get it.
I am in the battle of my life with tangled macrame and I may not make it. If a spider finds me, I’m screwed.
How did Hitler tie his shoes?
In knotsies.
(The unfollow button is only a click away)
Mrs Lemon: hi honey. Good day at work?
Mr Lemon: awful. Care for some homemade lemonade?
Mrs Lemon: where… where are the kids?
You going to eat those sausages?
– What?
The encased meats. Do you want them?
– Those are my fingers.
Oh, no thanks, I’m not there yet.
like Neil Degrasse Tyson, I’ll make you question everything (specifically why you started talking to me)
If my teenagers see this tweet, since no one is answering my texts….mommy’s flight is on time and the house better be clean when I get home.
Suit: It says here you’re “dramatic” and “nonsensical”?
Me [forward somersault, grabs resume]: Sorry that’s a typo, it should say “sandpaper pickles”.
Fellas, don’t feel like you can’t offer your wife cooking tips, even after she spends all day making a delicious home cooked meal. And it doesn’t hurt to throw in “That’s not how my mom used to do it”.
I broke up with my boyfriend last night because his wife snores too loud.
me: *rubs lamp*
genie: I will grant you three wishes
me: can you go away I’m rubbing this lamp
If they ever find my body next to a treadmill, just know that I was murdered somewhere else and my body was dumped there.
Now that people ignore word meanings and say they haven’t done/seen/whatever something “in a minute” when they actually mean anything from a week to thirty years, I’m going to take that concept in the other direction and describe small time periods as “several millenia.”
[1st date]
{don’t let her know you’re Hitler}
HER: what are you going to eat?
ME: definitely not seafood
HER: did u say nazi food?
ME: shit
It frustrates me when people refuse to adopt the technology of the day and respond promptly to my faxes.
[flirting at Taco Bell]
Trouble opening that sauce packet? Let me help.
[seconds later]
Let me help you get that sauce out of your hair.
Whenever I see someone at a restaurant eating all alone I always think the same thing, “lucky”
[being beat down with health, family, work issues]
Me: I will remain positive at all times
[my bagel sandwich falls on the floor]
Me: I am going to fire God
It doesn’t come up often in the movie, but one weapon we have against Predator is a handful of glitter.
Corona-na-na-na-na Corona-na-na-na-na MASK MAAAAAN
Of course I want to connect with my high school boyfriend’s mom thank you LinkedIn.
why didn’t scooby doo smell that the ghosts were human
My four year old niece summarizing her day at Safety School “Look both ways or you die”
My girlfriend told me that it was either her or my Meatloaf discography. I told her I would do anything for love, but I can’t do that.
[God Creating Dads]
God: Ah, yes. Think I’m done
Dads: Hi Done, we’re Dads!
God:
Dads:
God: *creates the adjustable thermostat*
I found a message in a bottle. It said: don’t pollute.
Just dyed a bald eagle red, white & blue & forced my family to eat 3 apple pies each. We’re all crying. It’s awesome.
My parents decided to test their marriage by going to IKEA today