It’s a bird. It’s a plane.
It’s a joke that went over your head.
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Friend: You can’t believe anything in the papers these days. It’s all fake news.
Me: Even obituaries???
Friend: No, those are rea–
Me: [Already halfway down the street] Great news everyone, grandma’s alive!
[commercial for kids]
woman *opens pantry and 6 bags of chips fall out* ARGH!
narrator: Are you tired of having food in your house?
Just saw an amazing deal for Valentine’s Day “You’re My One and Only” cards.. 2 for $5
A wise man once told me,
“Sir for just 50 cents more, you can add cheese to that”
When people call me a monster I always hope they mean a cute one like Cookie Monster
Alanis: I’m ready for this knife fight!
*Pulls out 10000 spoons*
Whoever came up with ‘the world is our oyster’ must’ve really been into mucus.
*Ok, don’t let them know you’re a dog*
Him: The job is yours. Here’s the keys to your new office. [tosses keys]
*catches keys in my mouth*
While everyone is out watching the eclipse, I’m going to launch my career as a burglar.
Boss: You’re
Me: Doing great?
B: No, I’m letting you
M: Have the corner office?
B: go.
M: Why?
B: Constantly completing my sentences wrong.
me: *stabs vampire*
wife: omg
me: *beats zombie to death*
wife: OMG
me: what
wife: ur supposed to give them candy
RT if you could go either way.
TEENAGE JAMES BOND: its actually just a learners permit to kill. I can kill, but only with an adult over 25 and not after 10pm
POLICE: [on bullhorn] PLEASE COME DOWN, EVERYTHING’S FINE
ME: [yelling down from ledge] ARE YOU SERIOUS HAVE YOU WATCHED THE NEWS AT ALL
95% of American office workers are watching the World Cup right now.
Overall productivity level remains steady.
I always carry a knife with me in case my mugger is made of cake.
My husband went for a “quick nap” so after an hour I sent the kids upstairs with a recorder, harmonica and tambourine to play that song he likes
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.
boss asked me to get an accurate headcount and i said pretty sure everyone’s only got one my dude
ME: [leaning over toilet] Hold back my hair
YOU: Ok
ME: [drinks from toilet like dog]
YOU: You’ve made your point I’ll wash up some glasses
That depressing moment you thought a hot chick was checking you out in the beer aisle but only to find out she was just a cardboard cutout.
My grasp of English, my journalism degree, and my sanity are all in question since I instructed my kids to put on “long sleeve pants” this morning
[First day as a Scientist]
Boss: We need some petrified wood
Me: *Tells ghost stories to a tree*
Boxing isn’t the only profession you can pretend to do while you’re jogging, today I flipped burgers.
cops: neighbours reported sounds of a struggle
**i begin to weep as I glance at my skinny jeans**
Me: I really like her. What should I do?
Friend: Give her the time of day.
[Later]
Her: Hey.
Me: It’s 2 PM.
me: hey watch out for the poison ivy
friend: *recoiling* you should really think about cleaning out your car
Found my missing cardigan when my sister posted a FB pic of her wearing it.