Does the acting in porn have to be THAT bad? I’m not looking for any Meryl Streep performances, but c’mon.
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Whenever I ask indie filmmakers how they got funding for their movie they always describe a mysterious millionaire they never met who appeared out of nowhere needing to get rid of money for tax purposes. If you know this millionaire please connect me asap….
the guy at the liquor store didn’t card me and it hurt my feelings so I said I was a cop and idk what to do next we’re just standing here
I just ate a perfectly ripe avocado, kinda thought my super power would be more exciting.
My wife and I toss a coin to settle our arguments. If the coin comes down, she wins, if it stays suspended in air forever, I win.
luke: yoda, i wish for…….. your freedom
yoda: i’m not a genie. i’m a person like you. i just look really weird
“1 down, 98 to go!”- Jay-Z after cleaning the gutters
pretty messed up how “what are you weaknesses” is an acceptable question in job interviews but not on first dates
I’m part of a mom group chat which means I can read 3,000 messages to learn my kid has a science project due tomorrow.
Just did my taxes. Put $420.69 on every line and 5 IRS agents just showed up at my door with a keg, 3 strippers and giant foam fingers.
Her: How’d you get those weird scars on your arm?
*remembers wrestling kid for last piece of birthday cake & getting sporked*
Rattle snake
“Does your dad play any sports?”
“No, my dad hates sports”
*dad walks in*
“Hey there, Sport”
to celebrate the 30th anniversary of Jurassic Park we will be switching off 30 of the world’s most important electric fences.
People will walk away mid-sentence if you click your heels together three times while repeating, “There’s no place like home.”
Kind of jealous of how my alarm can go back to sleep after I tap snooze.
Hub: What’s this?
Me: A divorce jar. Every time we fight you put a dollar in & I’m a little closer to freedom.
Hub: *puts $100 in*
Me:…
Did I just trip in public? Yes. Do I even care that a bunch of people saw me? Also yes.
Wife: You’ve been a naughty boy…
Me: Yes I have!
Wife: *Removes mask to reveal she is actually Santa*
Me: NOOOOOOOOOOO
Not interested in your mayonnaise-based holidays
My “get up and go” got up and left years ago.
WHAT DO WE WANT?
License and registration, please.
WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
Sir, please stop shouting and step out of the vehicle.
[Takes out scrunchie and shakes out my slicked back ponytail] Take the mugshot again.
Forty is the new thirty!
At least it is according to the loan shark to whom I now owe an additional ten grand.
I’m so anti-social, my misery loathes company.
Hotels be like, it’s $150 a night and you’re staying 2 nights so that brings your total to $947.43.
9: How old was I when I was 3?
me *grabs hammer* *smashes college fund jar*
“Pretend to be someone you’re not and receive candy.” Quick: Halloween or Valentine’s Day?
son: Where’s mom? I need her to sign my permission slip
me: I can do it
son: My teacher said it has to be an adult
He said I was sent from above, but I wasn’t sure if he meant angelic, or shit out of a bird.
♫ Hey there Delilah, for your word spell Mississippi
“May I have the definition?”
The state siblings can get frisky ♪
and cousins toooo ♫
[friend at his party] I think we’re just gonna keep spotify on for awhile
[me with a harmonica imprint in my pocket] cool my lips hurt anyway