They were tryna put dude out the bar last night for dressing like Jeffery dahmer, but come to find out bruh just looked like that
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Mermaid: I lay the eggs
Merman: and I fertilize them
Meredith: I’m Edith, I like to watch
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
No, he could speak more languages than that. He had racist shoulders. His front teeth were impatient.
Review for this new shatter I just tried:
Thinking about how if someone stole my deck I wouldn’t be able to get into my house because the door is too high.
Good luck robbing my house. My home security system is LEGOs on the floor.
St. Patrick drove all the snakes out of Ireland. They gave him a great Uber rating.
Just saw a WiFi name called “Hot Signals In Your Area” and honestly that’s iconic
me: I think some people are birds in disguise
friend: lol can I tweet that
me: *narrows eyes* can you what
sibling culture is not talking to each other for awhile and then texting them “this is you” along with a picture of an ugly bird you found online
How many of these sleep podcasts started as just regular podcasts before the host came to the harsh realization that their show was dull so they pivoted
In hindsight, naming my family portrait studio Let Me Shoot Your Kids, was probably not the best business decision.
Good Friday. No. Stop, I said no. NO. BAD FRIDAY. BAD.
I’m filled with joy when I see the “baby on board” sign attached to the car in front of mine, but sadness washes over me when I realise the car is a hearse. Only when I notice that it’s being driven by a baby do I begin to have mixed feelings
I always thought that saying, ‘the more, the merrier’ was referring to alcohol, not people.
Now it doesn’t make any sense at all.
Getting shit done. Was my response when my boss ask me what I’m doing. And now I’m sitting outside of H.R.
I hate when someone makes an Instagram for their pet and then spells all the words wrong.
Either your dog is smart enough to set up, build & maintain a successful social media presence or he isn’t.
If you expect me to believe a dog did all this I think he can also spell “hungry.”
2008- This Master’s degree is going to change my life!
2019- I’ve got the worst pajamas in this dollar store.
I cringe when teens brag about taking girls to pound town because adopting a puppy together is a huge responsibility.
Going to the dentist for a teeth cleaning. Should I put them in a fancy box or will a Ziploc baggie be ok? Also, not all of them are human teeth, some I happened upon randomly. Can I still get those cleaned? Sorry, don’t mean to be weird, I’m just excited for my first time!!
If I’m still single on Valentine’s day I’m going join a dating agency for sure!
Husband: ….
date: did you just eat a fry off the dirty ground?
me: first of all, potatoes grow in the ground.
4: can I have a snack?
Me: it’s almost time for dinner.
4: if it’s not dinner time, it’s snack time.
I was so touched last week when a shopkeeper handed my 3yo a donut without checking with me, that today I gave his teen a bag of heroin.
Hotels are back
My old boss was married and had six girlfriends who all worked for him. I didn’t know relationships could work like days of the week underwear
Who called it a “backpack” and not, “the sexiest way to deliver bees to an ex.”
I’m fine with the orcas as long as they don’t move into my neighbourhood
Wife: I wish you’d just admit when you’ve made a mistake
Me: *stirring my coffee serenely* I prefer it with salt
Once I saw a post about someone setting up a snail habitat and they included empty snail shells in a tiny graveyard, in case mourning was an essential snail need
Your honor, this whole trial thing is really hurting my client’s feelings
My parents: before you leave the house you should always go pee!
Me, as a kid:. No! I don’t need to go!
Me, in my 40’s: yeah I see what you mean!