An air mattress is great when you want to sleep on the floor but not right away.
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Keep this between us, but I’ve snuck Don’t Speak lyrics into every relationship argument I’ve ever had.
[Me as a boxing commentator]
ME: Oh no, they’re fighting again, this is just like last time
Fact: an Owl’s head can rotate up to 840°, before it comes off in your hand.
60% of Americans? That’s almost half. 🙂
Alien: We’ve returned, show us what you built with our technology
Egyptians: …
Aliens: …
Egyptians: ok don’t be mad
I’ve just got a job making plastic Draculas.
There are only 2 of us on the production line, so I have to make every second Count.
*in the restaurant, i watch a baby cry for ten minutes until i walk over, put my hands on the parent’s shoulders & whisper*
does your baby have jury duty tomorrow, too?
If a tree falls in the forest and no one hears it, maybe that’s where your kid should be practicing the trumpet.
*At restaurant trying to impress date*
Me: How are these prepared?
Waiter: The dinosaur chicken nuggets? In a microwave.
Me: Excellent.
Pigeon open mic night.
God: You have been freed from the shackles of corporeal form, my son. All of time and space are yours to experience. What will you do?
Spirit me: Probably just hang around my old apartment and make an occasional weird noise at night.
I once dated a girl to get closer to her parents’ record collection.
me: ..but is it peri-NE-um or per-IN-eum?
priest: for the third time, confession does not need to be this specific
wife: did you vacuum under the couch
me: yep I did the whole basement
The first charcuterie board was just improvisation by some dude who didn’t have enough snack bowls.
Whenever I see a couple sitting on the same side of a restaurant booth I like to imagine they’re on a double date with ghosts
starting a cleaning service for people with ADHD. I won’t be doing any of the actual cleaning, I’ll just be calling you at random times to tell you I’m on my way to your house and I’ll be there in about 45 minutes
This could be us but you keep mumbling about your dignity.
Wife: our house is a mess, we should throw some stuff out. I’ll start with the bedr-
Me: DON’T YOU DARE TOUCH MY BED RUM!
I like to go to death metal shows and throw throat lozenges on the stage, it shows I care.
H: Want to go to Lowe’s with me?
M: Can I wear my tiara?
H: I’d rather you not
M: Then no thanks
[husband leaves]
M: *whispers* works every time
I refused to buy 9yo a polished stone at the store to go with the rocks she found on the way into the store, and let’s just say our relationship is a little rocky right now.
Trying to support my wife’s fitness goals without coming across as ‘too’ supportive. “I’ll watch the kids if you wanna run on the treadmill. Not saying you need to…like only if you want to. Or do something different with that time cuz you’re perfect.”
Teacher: did you cheat on your math test?
Me: [remembering having sex with a history exam] umm no way
Ghost cat: how’d you die?
Ghost dog: i bit a guy that ran over my best pal and they put me down
GC: i got hit by a car
GD: I know
GC: ilu
Behind every successful woman is a Man who let her down.
[Baseball game]
ME: [giggle] I love how they named the positions in the game after the bases of sex
HIM: What? No, baseball came first
ME: ok I’m pretty sure sex came before baseball
The people making the worst decisions in Vegas tonight are standing in line at Subway.
My kid begged me not to be “cringe” around her friends when they come over, and I don’t have the heart to tell her that I don’t even know how to not be “cringe” around MY friends.
911,What’s your emergency?
Me: I think it’s a heart attack
911: Can you call back when you’re sure, we’re watching Walking Dead