I seriously have no problem with Bill Gates putting chips in the vaccine. I do take issue with him not including dip.
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I’ll put a comma, after a comma, even if it doesn’t need a comma, to completely, drive you, insane.
If McDonald’s and Burger King get into a turf war, is that a ground beef?
[debate, 2020 election]
Moderator: President Trump said you will ‘hurt badly the growth’ – how do you respond?
Oprah: So perhaps everyone in American right now could…take a look under their seats
Me, at home, finding a toaster oven: holy shit
Guy on plane:
*hits me in face with coat*
That was me.Me: *turns around*
*pokes him in the eye*
*takes his peanuts*
And that…was me.
We can put a man on the moon, but we can’t think of a less terrifying way to can biscuits
My doctor told me that despite my efforts, I’ll probably live a long life. I’m taking the news pretty hard
I have good and bad news
WIFE: Bad news first
We need a new front door
WIFE: And the good news?
[points to Monster Truck in living room]
Part of adulthood is finding a hobby that you don’t have time for.
[alarm clock goes off]
ok it’s happening again
it’s a day and it’s here again
*googling*
day again why
how to unsubscribe days
My libido: please have sex
My social anxiety: by yourself
CUT, CUT!! [Music stops]
LOOK IT’S A WESTERN MUSICAL
[Rubs temples] YOU HAVE TO KEEP THE COWBOY HAT ON-
[Cat runs off] Meow!
People often argue the great realism painters of our day and somehow leave out Wile E. Coyote, and his tunnel on rock phase.
My daughter invented a game she calls “cellphone.” I have to pretend to be a stranger, while she plays herself and just tells me about her life. For hours. She enjoys this game considerably more than I do.
Of all the things the Internet has lied to me about, the ease and enthusiasm with which a cat will ride a Roomba is the biggest.
They should make a sister store to “Forever 21” called “So Now You’re 35” where you can buy sensible pants and soft sweaters & take naps.
“Size DOES matter”, I whisper to my double stuffed Oreos.
I’d never go on a dating website.
I believe in meeting guys the old fashioned way, hitchhiking.
HIPSTER COP: *into radio* “We’ve got a 13-88 in progress…it’s a pretty rare crime, you probably wouldn’t know it”
How much did Santa pay for his sleigh.
Nothing, it was on the house.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
Counted five pregnant women at this Noah matinee. Praying their water doesn’t break.
DAVID BLAINE: *cracks open egg, butterfly flies out*
ME: cmon man
DB: *cracks open 2nd egg, 9 of clubs pops out*
ME: I’m so hungry, David
With everyone here having multiple personalities, you’d think we’d collectively get more done.
Do not apologize for your dog coming up to me because this is exactly what I wanted
Confuse your enemy by leapfrogging them
its been 20 yrs since Celine Dion released “I’m In Love With A Boat”, from the movie “Big Stupid Boat”
I know it’s dying but it’s difficult for me to let go of this app. I met my wife through Twitter. Who knows what other wives I could meet? Maybe even my second wife.
I been hollering for the past 10 minutes 😂😂😂
[dinner party, setting out the main]
Friend: Wow! Is this edible gold? You’re really stepping up your game!
Me, thinking about my kid’s art taped to the kitchen cupboard shedding glitter like a damn Head & Shoulders commercial: Isn’t it fancy?!
My husband told me I’d better stock up on my wine in case we get quarantined. Maybe he really does still care about me.
Maybe Millennials aren’t having children because we lived through the nightmare of raising Tamagotchis. :/