*looks at selfie*
“Hmmm I need more flattering lighting”
*tries again inside an unlit abandoned coal mine*
“ahhh much better”
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Rumor has it, some people get things accomplished without whining about it. Not my style. Interesting concept, though.
I’m glad Pitbull always announces his name right away so I know when to turn the radio off.
If you can diet in October around all the Halloween candy-you’re either dying or practicing witchcraft.
Interviewer: who are these people with you?
Me: My squad.
My mom and dad: *whispering* tell him about our goals.
A Post-It note on every wine bottle at home that just says DON’T CUT YOUR HAIR AGAIN THAT WAS BAD
What Swiss Army Knife attachment do I use to put those holes in cheese?
“So kids, I was married to your mom & I met this girl on Twitter, we started DMing and one thing led to another”
-How I Met Your Stepmother
i love it when my pets sigh like what ails you my little unemployed freeloader
*walks up to microphone during wedding reception*
*taps on mic; everyone smiles*
“Anyone that doesn’t want their cake, pass it to me please”
instead of valuable antiques, my mom passes down my childhood pastel poofy-sleeved 80’s outfits so my kids can carry on the family legacy of looking stupid
I can’t go to jail…
I have serious food allergies!
cat: so how u been
me: well, kinda been depressed about work and traffic was-
cat: [presses paw to my lips] lol shut up I don’t care feed me
5-year-old: Why don’t we say Grace?
Me: I don’t know.
5-year-old:
Me:
5-year-old: Is it because your cooking makes God angry?
You can’t embarrass me. My parents practiced disco dancing in our living room while my friends were over.
I want an HGTV show called “How Do You Like Your Open Concept Now?”
Oceans 11? When I went to school there were just 5
as a teen did you ever steal your moms booze and fill it back up with water, or steal money out of her purse and fill it back up with water
you never realize how long a minute actually is until you’re exercising.
My wife got an organic, free-range, non-GMO, antibiotic-free turkey for Thanksgiving — and every one of those adjectives added 20 bucks.
A polite way to call someone’s baby ugly is to say “Oh. He looks just like you.”
Fall Out Boy: she says she’s no good with words but I’m worse
Me: how so?
Fall Out Boy: restouaraunt
Me: ok you win
These days I just accept the website cookies without any protest. Website is like Grandma I’m not gonna fight with you.
I only had kids so I’d have a valid excuse for always being late
If you use karate instead of a knife your wife won’t ask you to cut the vegetables anymore
what other people think of me is none of my business. unless it’s bad, then i need to know everything
Me, yelling my head off every day.
14 yo son: Sorry, I didn’t hear you.Pizza delivery driver exhales at front door two floors down from bedroom.
14 yo: Pizza’s here.
My Dad used to do a great Darth Vader impression, by being a really bad father.
DORA: “Swiper, no swiping!”
SWIPER: “oh, man”
*Wealthier fox shows up, swipes everything*
DORA: “That’s OK, it’ll trickle down”
When Squidward lost his job and had to stay with Spongebob and he tried to tell Spongebob the TV didn’t work n Spongebob said THAT’S TWO THINGS THAT DON’T WORK 😭😭😭😭
“What movie?” 🤔