[on phone with poison control] How much would I have to swallow to be just sick enough to miss work for a few days?
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Just got glasses for the first time in 20 years and holy shit everyone looks terrible
“omg you’re filtered.. If you ever go missing no one will recognize you to find you”
Ummmm I’m not seeing the down side here
I just found out that the only thing you need to apply for a marriage license is your ID and an idiot.
Whenever I need a few more minutes to get ready, I walk into the living room and say “My dad has that same shirt ” and then watch my husband’s head explode.
I love babies cause they just cry upon waking up and it’s so honest
Mantra at the gym:
When the zombies come, cardio will matter.
due to personal reasons i have decided to make even less sense to people who will never get me
My brain forces me to relive traumatic moments over and over and over and over, but it won’t tell me where I left my laptop charger.
– “I love Beyoncé…
– Whatever floats your boat dude.
– No, you’re thinking of ‘buoyancy’.
– …”
My autobiography will be subtitled, “Guaranteed 100% Typo-Fre”
Me: Here we stand before the ashes of sacrifice laid down by your ancestors.
Wife: Will you stop talking to the charcoal and clean the stupid grill
God: Oh heck, I dropped my newest spider in the ocean
Octopus: I’m cool with this, actually
Every time you get dressed remember that, if you die, that’s your ghost outfit forever.
“Hey Siri, what’s a narcissist?”
*Siri turns on front-facing selfie cam*
“Whatever bitch, you’re just jealous”
[buried under a pile of geese]
Ah yes, murder most fowl. Excellent.
When singers at concerts hold out the mic for the audience to sing, it’s like what am i, your maid
My daughter has created a new game show where she puts her shoes all over the house and then asks us where they are
This salad I’m having for lunch tastes a lot like I’m having a greasy burger and onion rings for dinner.
*planning the destruction of the human race
Super Computer: I will shut down all electronic devices
Cyborgs: We will fight all resisters
Toasters: You guys are amateurs…
Boy. A zombie outbreak sure could get a solid foothold on a day like today, with all this tomfoolery and whatnot. Be safe out there, guys.
[ugly sweater contest]
*starts sweating*
*takes home the gold*
How often do I make chemistry jokes? Periodically.
I actually told one the other day. There was no reaction…
Surgeon: I can’t find the clot
Wife: *from gallery* oh BIG surprise
ME: I made you some coffee! It’s even double filtered… fancy right?
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE: couldn’t separate the coffee filters could you?
ME: no
“I’m on my way!”
-Someone who won’t be leaving for at least 20 minutes
PSYCHIATRIST: You seem distracted.
ME: I have “Tom’s Diner” in my head.
PSYCHIATRIST: Haha… It’s a catchy song!
ME: Yeah, it is.
PSYCHIATRIST: How long has it been stuck in your head?
ME: Since 1987. That’s why I’m here.
My dog just looked me in the eye and said “no one is gonna believe you”, then took a nap.
I like arugula because it’s good for me, delicious, and an old fashioned car horn sound.
Pouring a bucket of white marbles into the hippo pen will result in a lifetime ban from the zoo no matter how hungry they looked.