Me: I read this great article today.
Wife: About what?
Me: The effects of aging on the brain.
Wife: Cool. Send me a link.
Me: To what?
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“Sure Chief, you can join us for dinner this year. But in the future, you’re gonna need reservations.”
-Pilgrims, at the first Thanksgiving
Why do I have all these cookie pans. I don’t even bake.
A police man came up to me with a sniffer dog and said, “This dog tells me you’re on drugs.”
“I’m on drugs? You’re the one talking to dogs”
Interviewer: what would you say is your biggest weakness?
Me: [wearing my wife’s wedding dress] laundry
I see your IQ test came back negative
The Five Sizes of Penises:
1. Small
2. Medium,
3. Large,
4. Oh My God!…and
5. Is that available in white??
Meanwhile, at School:
Teacher- “How much is a gram?”
Laure- “Depends on what you want”
Teacher- “Out, just get out”
#YouOwnedHimDude
Once again I feel like I slept in a washing machine.
Boss: We’re going to replace you with a robot
Me: lol good luck getting a robot to match my performance
Boss: It’s broken and does nothing
Me: shit
#WhenCopyEditorsWorkDrunk …
HAPPY EARTH DAY!
Suck it, Neptune.
At this late date, the only way I’m gonna be famous is if I save a baby from a fire. And the baby is filming the whole thing with his phone.
My daughter once asked me “If you were a fruit and you had one wish, what would you wish for?”
So far all my ideas have been rejected as not “fruit appropriate”
News: There are aliens in Miami
Internet: meh
News: Okay well how about More Epstein clients?
Internet: *yawns*
News: Jews in a tunnel?
Internet: 🤯 OMG yes! Now you have my attention
[guy named mark who successfully used his cloning machine] this is remarkable
Marge is going for a more natural hairstyle
You’re not allowed to say “long story short” after talking for 30 minutes.
When they ask if you got a minute and then you sit and watch the typing bubbles for 15 min.
my teenagers favorite way for me to wake him up is to rip the curtains open and let the bright happy sunshine hit his face. i mean he threatens my life after i do it but secretly deep inside it’s his favorite.
My friends just had a baby and they named him Frank. He’s 3 days old and he can fix a leaky tap.
me: ah shit, 4 missed calls from my mom…[stares at door]
[FBI agents kick in door] WHY DO U EVEN HAVE A CELL PHONE IF U NEVER ANSWER IT
I’ve reached the point in my life where I’m ready for a life partner. But I’d probably be just as content with a cheeseburger.
yeah sex is cool but have you ever seen the jerk who went speeding past you pulled over by a cop like one mile down the road
me: 7’s favorite toy eats batteries like crazy
husband: *laughs* that’s funny, yours does too-
me:
husband: I’ll go get more batteries
[Calls number written on my windshield with lipstick]
Hi, you left your number on my car. Who’s going to clean this?
[at my funeral]
ventriloquist: please don’t judge me, he paid me a lot of money to do this
me: hi everybody!
God: what are they doing down there?
Angel: they are making milk from almonds
God: what?! I gave them, like, 8 animals to get milk from
A: they dont like that milk
God: [mockingly] tHey DonT LiKe THat miLk *flips a table*
I like to people-watch, but I’m an advanced people-watcher. When I spot another people-watcher, I like to watch them watching other people.
if there were more women in lord of the rings it wouldn’t have taken 3 movies to get to mount doom just saying.