Good for him😉🤣😉🤣😉🤣
You Might Also Like
turtle after a first date: want to walk me home well this is me
[muffled voice] I love what you’ve done with your trunk.
Leonardo the Vinci was 33 when he painted the sixteen chapel and here I am, 38 and I’ve not painted any chapels at all.
who will die first, you or grey’s anatomy?
Shoutout to torpedoes for getting through hardships.
Please don’t ask me what I’m doing this weekend without first making it clear whether or not you’re going to invite me to something that I’m going to have to make up a lie to get out of
walk up to the mightiest oak in the forest and punch it. now laugh as you climb into its branches to let the other trees know you’re insane
Does this extra layer of cream cheese icing make my bundt look big?
Pet Store Cashier: “Would you like a bag?”
Me: “Yes, I’d like a bag for my bag of birdseed.”
[someone breaks into my house] excuse me, we take our shoes off in this house
My 5-year-old “is the milk from nice cows?” Idk dude just eat your cereal
[ first date ]
Me. Do you take drugs?
Him. I never touch them.
Me. Perfect. Can I have a urine sample?
The hardest things to say:
(1) I need help
(2) Worcestershire
Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer had a very shiny nose. Other symptoms of his alcoholism included violent rampages and chronic nausea.
Everyone is so pissed off about the birds that they neglect to notice those eight maids a-milking also came with eight cows a-shitting.
Nobody in this neighborhood ever got along until we all hated your rooster.
Student begins reading poem, teacher interrupts “No this is Creative WRITHING class” Other student squirms around on floor “Very good Todd”
[son sees me sleeping outside]
son: did you call mom the n word again
me: but she IS a nagger
The only time I ever make a good call is when I order pizza
[my funeral]
PRIEST: we are here for Robert-
*one guy in the back of the room boos*
If by bandwidth you’re talking about the elastic in the underwear around my waist, then yes…I have a lot of bandwidth.
Pandas are proof that you can get fat from just eating salad.
“An apple a day keeps the doctor away” even works on PhDs if you have a decent fastball
People think getting married young is a bad idea.
I got married young and everything worked out.…not with her, obviously, but still.
89% of my class in high school thought I was good in math because I’m Asian. Luckily the other 27% were smarter than that.
‘”I’m a healthy bacteria that aids in digestion”
– probiotic
“Ummm…. Pssssstt!! Dude… What’s a digestion?”
– amateur biotic
Kids are fun if you enjoy saying things like, “read the room,” only to have someone start reading literally everything there is to read in said room, out loud.
1.25pm: Do you love me more than football?
4.25pm: Yes, of course.
why does the radiologist run behind that wall like they just pulled the pin out of a grenade wtf