I love when actors brag about being able to cry on command like that’s some kind of major accomplishment sweetie it’s called being alive in the year 2023 of our lord.
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Yes, your cat is waiting for you in heaven. Hm? Yes, he will ignore you there too.
Twitter is my serious account. The funny one is my bank account.
I want my friends and family at my funeral, but more than that, I want a mysterious stranger watching from behind a tree
[son on his wedding day] dad what’s the best part of marriage?
[thinking about how there’s always bananas in the house] her smile
I replace all the family pictures my coworkers have on their desks with pictures of baby sloths and suddenly I need professional help?!?
If I turned into a “teen wolf” my first order of business would definitely be helping my basketball team get to the local championships!
They charge you for the groceries and then they charge you for the toilet paper when you turn the groceries into poop. Open your eyes
Anyone got any tips on how to conduct an exorcism, but like subtly?
me: waiter this soup is cold
waiter: it’s Gazpacho
me: Gazpacho this soup is cold
My boyfriend has the body of a god!
Or the body of God.
Okay, he’s like the body of Christ.
What I mean is, he’s a round white cracker.
Friend: She really likes you.
Me: Oh yeah?
Friend: She thinks you hung the moon.
Me: *who has been plotting for years to strangle the moon* Not yet.
As a responsible parent, I gave my kids a healthy breakfast of strawberries w/ milk & a little sugar…
frozen.
OK IT WAS ICE CREAM!
FitFam?
I explained how Pac-Man works to my kids, and apparently 4 ghosts constantly chasing someone is a terrifying story to 4yos.
I have a scar on my lower back from the time I bounced on a trampoline and landed on one of the springs the wrong way.
I call it my trampoline stamp.
A group of held hands can raise your spirits.
It’s séance!
when i got diagnosed with adhd (as an adult) the psychiatrist referred me to some helpful articles and i was like mm not sure you fully understand the situation
Wife: I think I’m going into labor!
Me: *with a cold* Could you make me some soup before you go?
Every time I stop, someone always tries to peer pressure me into hammer time.
Probably the worst thing about the death of print media is the devastating effect it’s having on the producers of traditional ransom notes.
You: My kid loves piano
My kid: *licking the piano keys*
Me: Same
*Neil Armstrong sets foot on moon:
“NO… BIG… QUOTE… PLANNED… AND… NOTHING… SPRINGS… TO… MIND”Houston: Did you say “That’s one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind”?
…
…
Neil Armstrong: uuuh, yes, yes I did
I tried to convince some McDonald’s workers to do the Harlem Shake but they said the machine was broken
getting off the floor: the extreme sport of middle age
Me: could you pass me the Washington Shire sauce
Her: the what?
Me: the Westminster Shore sauce
Her: are you having a stroke?
Me: the Warcaster Shiner sauce
Her: hello, 911? I need an ambulance-
Me: the Willmington Scone sauce
Her: please, it’s getting worse
Me: the Wank-
How to shape your eyebrows
A thread
There are only 2 things Donald Trump fears: 1) The world discovers he’s been lying about being a billionaire, and 2) a strong wind.
Remember, you can disappear into the woods whenever you want. You’re an adult.
Connor Sadzeck Connor Happyzeck