Girlfriend: It’s 11:11, make a wish
Me (eyes roll): *stares out window*
Girlfriend: [gets text message] Crap, I have to go home
Me: Holy shit
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*meeting
Boss: Are you sleeping?!
Me: Well I *was*.
just a reminder that when Shakespeare was in quarantine for the plague, he wrote the lyrics to “thong song”
I have an extensive library of over 2,000 classic, important books just in case you have a question about the first 54 pages of one of them.
You don’t know pissed off until she tells you to go sleep on the couch, an you take all the covers with you.
My kids have apparently started a neighborhood rock washing business, they stick them in their pockets, I unknowingly put them through the machine and they come out all shiny on the other end
Somebody called me a free spirit today and my heart leapt as I turned back to my paperwork.
ME: I think it’s time I get my life in order.
MORGAN FREEMAN: But he would not get his life in order. In fact, he got drunk that night and fought a raccoon.
Sometimes parenting means asking the tough questions like, “Why is there a rock in the refrigerator?”
Hello, I am a dollar-store towel. I look almost normal but am made entirely of petroleum and repel moisture more effectively than a raincoat
Vowels were invented by old men trying to take their socks off
My sister’s birthday cake 🤣
Motion-activated paper towel dispensers should define what motion activates them. I’ve yet to get one until I’ve done the entire hokie-pokie
[date]
Me: *ok don’t let her know I’m a bull*
Her: “so what are some red flags for you?”
Me: *sweating* “haha red flags? Where?”
*impulsively buys a private island
*frolics on the island for several weeks
*gets Mastercard bill in the mail
WHAT THE F–oh yeah the island
Goldilocks is still undefeated when it comes to forced entry Yelp reviews.
heavy rain in Los Angeles is a great way to find out that every roof in the city has apparently been purely decorative this entire time
🦝🔥🦝🔥
“You’ve lost some weight.” sounds suspiciously like “You were a disgusting fatso before, but I was too nice to say so.”.
Ten out of six people don’t understand how surveys work.
[Courtroom]
Judge: One more word & I’ll hold you in contempt!
Me: Yes! *jumps on his lap & throws arms around him* This is nice.
Before I get in a fight I like to say something quick and intimidating. Like, “You just signed your permission slip for the field trip to hell. Also I’m your chaperone and in addition to that I’m the Devil. Here comes the bus. I am also the bus.”
My 5 year old memorized my phone number and I just figured out he gives it to everyone he encounters
great news: all my boxes arrived
terrible news: all my boxes arrived
I have almost 500,000 miles on my office chair …. So I got that going for me.
My parents ruined my childhood by not moving to a small town with a dark secret that i could uncover with a group of misfits
“You know what? I had a speech ready but I’m going to speak from the heart”
*smashes teleprompter with a baseball bat*
when my wife is giving birth then the baby pops out and steals the hotdog i’m eating
Do people who talk on their phones while driving know you can use driving as an excuse to avoid talking on the phone?
DOG 911: What’s ur emer-
DOG: IT’S CHRISTMAS EVE
DOG 911: so?
DOG: MY HUMAN SAID SOMEONE’S COMING IN THE HOUSE THROUGH THE CHIMNEY TONIGHT
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
Me: Alexa, play “You should see me in a crown”
Alexa: I’d like to see you in some pants