*doordash driver delivers four happy meals with chocolate milk and Disney princess toys*
“Looks like a fun night. How many kids do you have?”
Me: How many what now?
You Might Also Like
[Arriving at party]
Host: Why are you wearing only a nappy?
Me: I was told “infancy dress”.
Host: I said “in fancy dress,” you moron!
Nicknamed my newly crawling baby Roomba, for the obvious reasons
Me: I’ll see you in court, Counselor!
Her: Sir, I just asked if you want your Happy Meal to go.
Me: You can’t handle the truth!
i had the idea to smash a lightbulb and a bunch of broken glass appeared above my head
If you suddenly stand up and shout “IT’S A CHRISTMAS MIRACLE” you can walk out of work and not come back and no one will even ask about it.
In an alternate universe there is only one movie about falling in love, but thousands about swapping faces with John Travolta.
Me: I’m not petty.
Also me: Gives the kid who is mean to my kid yellow gatorade after the soccer game.
Noah’s flood = God clearing his browser history
[during mosh]
me: excuse me, sorry, excuse me, im sorry, my fault, sorry
Next time you want to question the rationality of women, just remember that they freak the fuck out when they see a centimeter long spider.
Puts fitbit on dogs collar. Throws the ball around. Sits on the couch and eat chips. Wins all the challenges
What do you call an upset reindeer?
Caribou-hoo.
*Ba-dum-tsss
When ya leave Twitter it’s called twittercide.
What about Instagram?
Instagramicide? IGicide? Instacide? Gramicide? Instadead? Instagone?
My fortune cookie just says Hahahaha. Is that good?
[filming lord of the rings: fellowship]
peter jackson: great scene
sean bean: thanks but it’s pronounced “shawn”
[hospital]
Me: how is he?
Her: he’s in the burn ward
Me: *tearing up* I’m an adult you can say H-E-double hockey sticks
Why are all the young female protagonists named Cassie or Lexi or Sammie? I’m going to write a book about an adorkable heroine and call her Bertha.
*Throws caution to the wind*
*gets covered in caution*
Thirty years ago, Jurassic Park gave me hope I might live long enough to see resurrected dinosaurs. The clock’s ticking.
Wife: I’m heading to the store.
Me: Why?! The roads are super icy.
Wife: We’re out of beer.
Me: Drive really carefully.
I want to name my daughter Katie but that spelling is too common so I’ll spell it Potassiumatie.
You want just one cow for those magic beans? Idk, I’m suspicious, magic beans sounds like the sort of thing that would cost 2 cows.
If I knew how to pull a rabbit out of a hat I would never stop. Rabbits are great.
[art store]
You do free framing?
“With any purchase”
Ok, just this pencil and [slides a gun with wife’s fingerprints] you know what to do
Pass gas, not judgment.
4k tvs? no thanks i only need one
I’m too polite to tell you that I dislike you, but if I ever serve you kale…take the hint.
[attempting Guinness Book of Records for most people mauled by a bear]
ME: Thank you all for coming
37 OF MY FRIENDS: Why r we here again?
Hate it when I get carried away with emotions.
Lost a who-blinks-1st competition with a box of donuts & had to eat em all in a fit of rage
Assert your dominance by putting a few decorative pillows in your husband’s truck.